Oh, What A Day

Never been much of a “list” guy; I bore too easily. Tend to quickly become over/under—and mostly under—whelmed by too many facts and figures spouted forth by someone seeking to validate their existence or self-absorbed place in the overall scheme of things.

(Y’all didn’t see all that high-horse rhetoric coming, now did you?)
Plain. That’s what I am: there it is, I see it, let’s deal with it. Don’t schedule a meeting to schedule a meeting so that a committee can be formed to present the problem to Straw Boss, who immediately decides that the best option is taking three days’ sick leave.

So where did all this philosophising come from? My phone.

Yeah. All I wanted to do was check a date; one tiny little click on the calendar and here come all these “National Days”…

Somewhere—I’m thinking in a closet—a gaggle of goofballs gets together and decides to heap laurels on just about anything they can come up with. Let’s jest take a leetle look at November, for instance, and then I’ll give you my take on things.

(Y’all DID see that coming!)

We jump right in on the first of the month with… National Vegan Day. This is for folks who abstain from eating animal products of any kind. I’ve never met one and don’t really believe he’d last long in the swamp. But then, as the gators all agree, “Protein is protein…”

This is also National Calzone Day, but of course you knew that.

The first Thursday is National Men Make Dinner Day—just like the other 364.

Toss in National Love Your Red Hair Day next, the fifth, and I’m ready to strike up the band. And a redhead with green eyes? She’s just absolutely unfair, boys, and deserves a whole WEEK!

Daylight Savings Time Ends—that’s so’s in the preceding two weeks of deer season, just as you figgered out exactly what time you needed to be in the stand…

Here’s a good one: Job Action Day, the first Monday. My idea of the action required for a lot of folks I know? Get off your butt and find one! And I’m also waiting for that National MONTH when we celebrate those who have worked all their lives, paid their bills and supporter said shirkers with obscene taxes while making Georgia the best place in the world to live.

(Take THAT you closet-huggers!)

Oh, and I see you came up with World Urbanism Day: “Urban planning ensures orderly development.” Excuse me while I barf.

Here’s one—at last—that we can all agree on. (Or take the next bus to Cuba!) Veterans Day was first recognized the same year I was, five years before my brother Dean came along. He saw the world—from 30,000 feet—courtesy USAF. Ladies and gents everywhere, we humbly and gratefully salute you.

November 23 is Wolfenoot. Look it up…

And now, finally, it’s time to get out of the closet and propose a day or two of our own. You vegans might want to exit stage left here.

Herewith…

National Step Out From Behind That Tree Day.

2023 is the year—following five of wretchedness—when that 237-inch buck on your place dumbly decides to show himself in the wide, unobstructed open! While you have a rifle in your hands. From this point, bullet placement and dry underwear are up to you.

National It’s Dead, Eat It Day.

Try this: drop the quarry of your choice, deer or bear being prime prospects. Remove liver while still steaming and construct small fire from nearest available oak/hickory sticks. Droop strips on a sharpened limb 6 inches above flames only until strips stop complaining, at which point you will be as close as possible to the mountain man you always wanted to be. (Not a big fan of liver? Heart is a suitable substitute.) Final note: buck hanging from tree 10 feet away will file no protests.

National Man’s Dog Day.

Unsure what a man’s dog is? Last year a pack of Plott hounds treed a bear in the Okefenokee 987 yards from the road and kept him there for two and a half hours—including stretching him out on the ground when he came down and convincing him that back up that tree was the best place to be after all—until we could manhandle/float a handicapped shooter in.

Bears don’t play nice—and these ain’t poodles.

Bear dogs, deer dogs, bird dogs, hog dogs, rabbit dogs… give ’em an extra pat and morsel.

National Panegyrical Boss Day.

No, that don’t mean go cuss him out. Simply that he appreciates you. As in, said boss thinks that you deserve a  day or three off to go to the woods and get your head un-cross-threaded after all the extra chores cleaned up while loafers looked on. Note to boss: dividends to follow.

National We Got The Water To Ourselves Day.

This is one of my favorites. The Oconee River greens up, shallows up and drifts lazily toward the Altamaha. Bass become mucho cooperative. And even if they don’t, you can almost hear splashing as stress leaps from your shoulders. The woods are full of hunters; empty rivers and lakes beckon.

In closing comes the fourth Thursday: Thanksgiving Day.

This one has been around for a while. Take a LOOK around and you’ll see why. Hardcore deer hunters tend to equate Thanksgiving with the rut because this time of year their heads are as messed up as the bucks they’re chasing.

But however your day is going, this one is for us all.