# Bear and Atheist joke



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 1, 2013)

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, 
admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had 
created. 
"What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. 

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a 
rustling in the bushes behind him.  He turned to 
look.  He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging 
toward him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path.  He 
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear 
was closing in.  He ran even faster, so scared 
that tears were coming to his eyes. 

Looking over his shoulder again, the bear was 
even closer.  His heart was pumping frantically 
and he tried to run even faster.  He tripped and 
fell on the ground. 

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the 
bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with 
his left paw and raising his right paw to strike. 


At that instant the atheist cried out, without 
thinking, 
"Oh my God! ... " 

Time stopped. 
The bear froze. 
The forest was silent. 
Even the river stopped moving. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice 
came out of the sky, 
"You deny my existence for all of these years, 
teach others I don't exist and even credit 
creation to a cosmic accident.  Do you expect me 
to help you out of this predicament?  Am I to now 
count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light and 
answered, 
"It would be hypocritical for me to be a 
Christian after all these years; but, perhaps, 
you could make the bear a Christian?" 

"Very well," said the voice. 

The light went out. 
The River ran again. 
The sounds of the forest resumed. 

And then the bear dropped his right paw ... 
brought both paws together ... bowed his head and 
spoke: 
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, 
I am truly thankful."


----------



## bullethead (Sep 1, 2013)

That is the first time I heard that one on here.....this year. Way to be "that guy".


----------



## drippin' rock (Sep 2, 2013)

One day a Christian was walking through the woods.
Out in front of him stepped a bear.
The man dropped to his knees and prayed...
"Sweet Baby Jesus please save me from this bear."
The bear ate him anyway.
The End.


----------



## JB0704 (Sep 2, 2013)

bullethead said:


> .....Way to be "that guy".





Don't know why, but that gave me a good laugh.


----------



## TheBishop (Sep 2, 2013)

drippin' rock said:


> One day a Christian was walking through the woods.
> Out in front of him stepped a bear.
> The man dropped to his knees and prayed...
> "Sweet Baby Jesus please save me from this bear."
> ...



Atheist walks through the woods. 
Out in from of he sees a christian hiker getting eaten by  a bear.
He shoots and kills the bear.
He knew to carry a gun in the woods becuase against bears, bullets are more effective than prayer.


----------



## bullethead (Sep 2, 2013)

JB0704 said:


> Don't know why, but that gave me a good laugh.


----------



## bigreddwon (Sep 2, 2013)

All of you.. Great jokes. Made me smile, each one. Good stuff


----------



## ted_BSR (Sep 3, 2013)

Good jokes! I think it is funnier that the Christians have a preconceived notion of how the atheists think, and the atheists have a preconceived notion of how the Christians think, when the party whose thoughts really matter is the bear.

The bear might think, "I know about humans, they have guns", or the bear might think, "I know about humans, they are tasty".

For myself, if I was attacked by a grizzly, I would pray to the Lord that it be quick.


----------



## drippin' rock (Sep 3, 2013)

ted_BSR said:


> Good jokes! I think it is funnier that the Christians have a preconceived notion of how the atheists think, and the atheists have a preconceived notion of how the Christians think, when the party whose thoughts really matter is the bear.
> 
> The bear might think, "I know about humans, they have guns", or the bear might think, "I know about humans, they are tasty".
> 
> For myself, if I was attacked by a grizzly, I would pray to the Lord that it be quick.



Jokes aside, my guess is there are way more God fearing folk out there well armed and prepared than atheists...


----------



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 3, 2013)

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or He11, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and He11, or life after death, when you don’t know doo-doo.  And then she went back to reading her book.


----------



## 660griz (Sep 3, 2013)

Funny. I posted a religious joke and it got pulled because some folks were offended. Hmmmmm
Very interesting. Is this bait?


----------



## bullethead (Sep 3, 2013)

SemperFiDawg said:


> An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.” The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?” “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or He11, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly. “Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?” The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.” To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and He11, or life after death, when you don’t know doo-doo.  And then she went back to reading her book.



Did you recently get the box set of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson?


----------



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 3, 2013)

No bait, but if you truly find this offensive I will ask the mod to delete it if I can't. Honestly I see no difference from this and the Meme thread, but again if it offends you I will get rid of it.


----------



## bullethead (Sep 3, 2013)

The jokes are not offensive, just old. Meme thread was fresh.


----------



## TripleXBullies (Sep 3, 2013)

SemperFiDawg said:


> No bait, but if you truly find this offensive I will ask the mod to delete it if I can't. Honestly I see no difference from this and the Meme thread, but again if it offends you I will get rid of it.



I was thinking the exact same thing!!! And you cried foul at the memes.... This thread doesn't offend me though


----------



## bullethead (Sep 3, 2013)

A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"

"Why not?" asked his mother.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me. Two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you're 47 years old. Two, you're the pastor!"


----------



## WaltL1 (Sep 3, 2013)

bullethead said:


> The jokes are not offensive, just old. Meme thread was fresh.


Yup they weren't offensive the first 50 times I heard them.
Now they are just.... yawn.


----------



## 660griz (Sep 3, 2013)

SemperFiDawg said:


> No bait, but if you truly find this offensive I will ask the mod to delete it if I can't. Honestly I see no difference from this and the Meme thread, but again if it offends you I will get rid of it.



I don't find it offensive. Never mentioned I was offended. Just making an observation. Even if I did, unlike some, I don't feel I have a right not to be offended.

Christian Doctor: “Your recovery was a miracle!” Christian Patient: “Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you.”


----------



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 3, 2013)

TripleXBullies said:


> I was thinking the exact same thing!!! And you cried foul at the memes.... This thread doesn't offend me though



Didn't care for the Meme thread so I bailed on it.  Never thought it was out of bounds.  Freedom means if I get offended at something I am free to leave, not demand that the offender stop.  Do unto others you know...


----------



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 3, 2013)

bullethead said:


> A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, "I'm not going!"
> 
> "Why not?" asked his mother.
> 
> ...




You win.  That was better than either of mine.


----------



## ted_BSR (Sep 3, 2013)

SemperFiDawg said:


> Didn't care for the Meme thread so I bailed on it.  Never thought it was out of bounds.  Freedom means if I get offended at something I am free to leave, not demand that the offender stop.  Do unto others you know...



Well said.


----------



## StriperrHunterr (Sep 6, 2013)

A Christian, an atheist, and an agnostic are all in a boat in the middle of a lake.

Atheist: I'll bet you guys I can get out of this boat and walk on water.
Other two: No way. Prove it. 

The atheist gets out, walks out a few feet and then comes back and gets back in. 

Agnostic: Well, if you can do that, with no beliefs at all, I can surely do that, since I simply don't know what the answers are. 

The agnostic gets out, walks out a few feet, returns and gets back in the boat. 

Christian: Shoot, my faith is strong, and pure, so if you heathens can do that then my faith will buoy me on the journey. 

The Christian gets out of the boat, immediately sinks and drowns. 

Atheist to the Agnostic: Do you think we should have told him about the rocks we walked on?


----------



## TripleXBullies (Sep 6, 2013)

Only if they can tell him in the afterlife...


----------



## SemperFiDawg (Sep 7, 2013)

A Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"


----------

