# The Never to be Completed Compilation of Dad Jokes



## NE GA Pappy (Jun 23, 2021)

What does the ocean say to the beach?









Nothing, it just waves.


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## Theturtle (Jun 23, 2021)

Why do seagulls fly over the oceans ? 










If they flew over the bay they’d be bagels


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## C.Killmaster (Jun 23, 2021)

Dublin is the fastest growing city in Georgia.  It's Doubling every day.  Used that one today as a matter of fact!  New hire at work relocating to Dublin.

There wasn't a fortune inside that fortune cookie?  That's unfortunate!  Got some serious mileage out of that one with my 10 year old.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jun 23, 2021)

A woman in the supermarket told me today that she was giving birth.

Turns out she was just kidding


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## JustUs4All (Jun 24, 2021)

B-a-a-a-a-a-d.   LOL


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## JustUs4All (Jun 24, 2021)

In Wal-Mart isle Son to Father when the phone of the fat lady ahead starts ringing:

"Look out, Daddy, she's backing up."


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## Hooked On Quack (Jun 24, 2021)

Hope P.Bradley doesn't see this, he's the Kang of bad jokes . .


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## treemanjohn (Jun 24, 2021)

Why was the strawberry so upset? 
His mom was in a jam


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## doenightmare (Jun 24, 2021)

This juan is tough to read.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

Police stops a man on a tandem bike.

Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road.

Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.


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## specialk (Jun 24, 2021)

to the thief whole stole my glasses i'll find you....





i got contacts....


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## Hooked On Quack (Jun 24, 2021)

Da Possum said:


> Police stops a man on a tandem bike.
> 
> Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road.
> 
> Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.




That definetly sucks..


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## mrs. hornet22 (Jun 24, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> That definetly sucks..


ikr?
I think he just made it up. Like as he was typing it.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> That definetly sucks..



Thanks buds,,,,,,


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## doenightmare (Jun 24, 2021)

Da Possum said:


> Police stops a man on a tandem bike.
> 
> Excuse me sir. I think you've lost your wife back down the road.
> 
> Thank god for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.



I don't get it.


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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)

doenightmare said:


> I don't get it.


You got to wait till you have a wife…


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## NE GA Pappy (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call a fat psychic?


A four-chin teller


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## NE GA Pappy (Jun 24, 2021)

How does a puppy row a canoe?





With a doggy paddle


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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)




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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)

My wife asked me, "Is it just me, or is the dog getting fat?"
 Apparently, "No, it's just you." was not the right answer.


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## Milkman (Jun 24, 2021)

How do you capture a unique rabbit??




You neak up on it.


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## specialk (Jun 24, 2021)

Milkman said:


> How do you capture a unique rabbit??
> 
> 
> 
> ...




how do you catch a tame one?




tame way.....


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## jaydawg (Jun 24, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> View attachment 1087266


My wife caught me laughing at this one...she’s chasing me on the broom now!


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## doenightmare (Jun 24, 2021)

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.

I'm ashamed of myself.


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## specialk (Jun 24, 2021)

doenightmare said:


> What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
> 
> I'm ashamed of myself.



i don't get it....


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## doenightmare (Jun 24, 2021)

specialk said:


> i don't get it....



I don't either - just seen it on the interwebs.


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## fireman32 (Jun 24, 2021)

Know why they fired the cross eyed teacher?

She couldn’t control her pupils


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## 4HAND (Jun 24, 2021)

Why do fish not play basketball? 



They're scared of the net.


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## 4HAND (Jun 24, 2021)

Where do you find a dog with no legs?





Wherever you left him.


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## 4HAND (Jun 24, 2021)

I'm sorry. Those are awful.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

What did the hat say to the sock? I’ll go on ahead, you go on foot.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Barefoot.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

Dad (Pointing to my foot): Your sock has a hole in it!

Me (Checking my sock): No it doesn’t.

Dad: Well, how did you get your foot in?


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

The pain of losing a sock is… unpairable.


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## Da Possum (Jun 24, 2021)

You welcome.......


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## doenightmare (Jun 24, 2021)

Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.

Apologies - Lawd make it stop.


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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)

4HAND said:


> Where do you find a dog with no legs?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 And what do you name him? Cigarette. Because you can only take him for a drag.


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## 4HAND (Jun 24, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> And what do you name him? Cigarette. Because you can only take him for a drag.


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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)

4HAND said:


>




Vaadaa boom, vaaddaa bang, vaadaa bing.


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## Mars (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?


No eye deer


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## Batjack (Jun 24, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> And what do you name him? Cigarette. Because you can only take him for a drag.


What do you call him on the front porch? Mat.
Doesn't matter what you call him, he won't come anyway.


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## Mars (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the lake?



Bob


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## 4HAND (Jun 24, 2021)

Steadily getting worse........


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## Mike 65 (Jun 24, 2021)

Why do you never see elephants hiding in the tree tops?

Because they’re good at it!

Told to me by my granddaughter


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## Mars (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elifino


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## bullgator (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call a one-legged date?


Eileen


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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jun 24, 2021)

4HAND said:


> Steadily getting worse........


AND I love it.

I must have lost 20-50 IQ points after reading those.


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## 1eyefishing (Jun 24, 2021)

bullgator said:


> What do you call a one-legged date?
> 
> 
> Eileen


 Eileen likes to dance... to hip hop.


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## Mars (Jun 24, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> Eileen likes to dance... to hip hop.


 She's a waitress at IHOP


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## NCHillbilly (Jun 24, 2021)

What's brown and sticky? 


A stick.


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## Milkman (Jun 24, 2021)

A piece of string walks into a bar and goes up to the counter. 
The bartender says sorry mate but we don’t serve strings here, get lost. 

Upset the string goes outside and has an idea. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up. 

He goes back in the bar and approached the counter again. The bartender says Hey aren’t you that string that was here earlier?

He says no man, I’m a frayed knot.


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## Mars (Jun 24, 2021)

A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fungi."


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## fireman32 (Jun 24, 2021)

What do you call boomerang that don’t come back.

A stick


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## fireman32 (Jun 24, 2021)

What did one cap say to the other

You stay here, I’ll go on ahead


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## basstrkr (Jun 24, 2021)

Why did the millipede miss the first half of the game?



he was putting his shies on.


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## basstrkr (Jun 24, 2021)

What's black and white and red all over?


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## basstrkr (Jun 24, 2021)

SHOES!!!


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## Hilsman (Jun 24, 2021)

basstrkr said:


> What's black and white and red all over?


Newspaper


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## Theturtle (Jun 24, 2021)

I was going to tell a time travel joke but you guys didn’t like it


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## bullgator (Jun 25, 2021)

basstrkr said:


> What's black and white and red all over?


Peaceful protests?


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## zedex (Jun 25, 2021)

I just read the whole thread to my daughter...lol... about halfway through the first page, she asked how many of these are there. I could see the agony in her eyes. 

On page 2, she says "please make this stop".

When I was done, she asked why I did that to her. I told her that her sufferance is funny. Then she commented that having to sit there constituted child abuse...


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## TJay (Jun 25, 2021)

What's red and goes putt putt putt putt...



An outboard radish


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

Why should you take an extra pair of socks when you go golfing?

In case you get a hole in one!


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? 


Pilgrims


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

Slightly modified for @Da Possum 

Why couldn't the tandem bicycle stand up by itself? 

It was two tired.


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## Milkman (Jun 25, 2021)

@Mars is finding more corn than Iowa in November


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## Hooked On Quack (Jun 25, 2021)

Mars said:


> Why should you take an extra pair of socks when you go golfing?
> 
> In case you get a hole in one!





Please stop, I know where you live and I got matches . .


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> Please stop, I know where you live and I got matches . .



If you'll burn down your own shed I know you'll burn up my place!


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## Hooked On Quack (Jun 25, 2021)

Mars said:


> If you'll burn down your own shed I know you'll burn up my place!




You wouldn't believe how efficient the Warthen fire department is . . .


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> You wouldn't believe how efficient the Warthen fire department is . . .



You're right. I wouldn't believe it. I didn't even know they had a fire dept.


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## Hooked On Quack (Jun 25, 2021)

Mars said:


> You're right. I wouldn't believe it. I didn't even know they had a fire dept.




You wanna try 'em out ??


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## Mars (Jun 25, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> You wanna try 'em out ??


 No thank you!


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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jun 25, 2021)

Here's one in honor of the "fire fly" thread..

How do you make a LIGHTNING BUG happy?

Cut off it's tail... it will be delighted!


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## Doboy Dawg (Jun 25, 2021)




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## Batjack (Jun 25, 2021)

Hooked On Quack said:


> Please stop, I know where you live and I got matches . .


Throwing the yellow flag on this! Ain't no way Mrs. Dawn will EVER AGAIN let you have two sticks to rub together, much less any matches.


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## Theturtle (Jun 25, 2021)

Batjack said:


> Throwing the yellow flag on this! Ain't no way Mrs. Dawn will EVER AGAIN let you have two sticks to rub together, much less any matches.


What got burnt down?


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## notnksnemor (Jun 25, 2021)

Theturtle said:


> What got burnt down?



The She-Shed.


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## doenightmare (Jun 25, 2021)

Batjack said:


> Throwing the yellow flag on this! Ain't no way Mrs. Dawn will EVER AGAIN let you have two sticks to rub together, much less any matches.



ikr - Quackbro and farr don't mix.


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## Batjack (Jun 25, 2021)

notnksnemor said:


> The She-Shed.


AND the well house... QuackBro actually set far to water! Oh.. don't forget about the pasture.. the yard...pretty much everything but the house and vehicles.


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## gobbleinwoods (Jun 25, 2021)

Batjack said:


> AND the well house... QuackBro actually set far to water! Oh.. don't forget about the pasture.. the yard...pretty much everything but the house and vehicles.



Well the tractor took a little heat.


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## Doboy Dawg (Jun 26, 2021)




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## Mike 65 (Jun 27, 2021)

How do you count cows?


You use a cowculator!


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 2, 2021)

Mike 65 said:


> How do you count cows?
> 
> 
> You use a cowculator!



my granddaughter loved that one


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## Mike 65 (Jul 2, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> my granddaughter loved that one


Haha! My granddaughter told me that one!


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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jul 3, 2021)

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Just put a little boogy in it.


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## Mauser (Jul 3, 2021)

What's the difference in in-laws and outlaws?



The outlaws are wanted


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## fireman32 (Jul 3, 2021)

Y’all seen the movie “Constipation”?

It hasn’t come out yet.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 3, 2021)

What does a baby computer call his father?


Data


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 3, 2021)

What is Forrest Gump's password?


1forrest1


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 3, 2021)

When I was growing up, Mom always told me I could be anyone I wanted to be, but it turns out that identity theft is a crime


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 3, 2021)

I told my wife that after dinner, I would clear the table.




It took a running start, but I made it.


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 8, 2021)




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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust


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## doenightmare (Jul 9, 2021)

"Did Tennessee what Arkansas? Uthahit"


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

Why did the scarecrow win an award? 

Because he was out standing in his field


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.


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## DSGB (Jul 9, 2021)

How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?

By its bark


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## Whitefeather (Jul 9, 2021)

Kid to dad: You got a banana in your ear
Dad: Huh?
Kid:You got a banana in your ear!!!
Dad: Huh?
Kid: YOU GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!!!!!!
Dad: I can’t hear you. I’ve got a banana in my ear.


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## Milkman (Jul 9, 2021)

What US state is mentioned in the Bible?


Ok you ready?


Noah looked out of the “ark and saw”


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## mark-7mag (Jul 9, 2021)

Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it was two tired….


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## madsam (Jul 9, 2021)

Man with 2 left feet asked the shoe salesman if he sales flip-flips !!!!


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 9, 2021)

Some of these jokes are funny.





Not the majority of them.  Just some.


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## 4HAND (Jul 9, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> Some of these jokes are funny.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Agreed. Some are just painful. ?


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## Milkman (Jul 9, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> Some of these jokes are funny.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



IKR
Who started this ??


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## Hillbilly stalker (Jul 9, 2021)

I hate autocorrect so much.
 It makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.


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## KevChap (Jul 9, 2021)

There was two peanuts walking down the street... one was assaulted


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## Doug B. (Jul 10, 2021)




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## fishfryer (Jul 10, 2021)

Hillbilly stalker said:


> I hate autocorrect so much.
> It makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.


Sometimes I want to write something that isn’t proper grammar.


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## Mars (Jul 10, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> Some of these jokes are funny.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I'm thoroughly enjoying it!


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## gobbleinwoods (Jul 10, 2021)

Mars said:


> I'm thoroughly enjoying it!



I've either grinned or grimaced at most.


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## fireman32 (Jul 10, 2021)

Knew a man that was addicted to brake fluid, said he could stop any time


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## Mars (Jul 10, 2021)

When does a joke become a “dad joke?”

When it becomes apparent.


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## treemanjohn (Jul 10, 2021)

An old lady leans to her husband in church and I've just let a silent poot what should I do? He said change the batteries in your hearing aid


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## treemanjohn (Jul 10, 2021)

I can walk to the bar from my home in 5 minutes. The walk from the bar to home takes an hour. The difference is staggering


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## Lukikus2 (Jul 10, 2021)

What do you call a church bench with no cushions. A pew

What do you call a church bench with cushions. 

A pew pew.


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 12, 2021)




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## LTZ25 (Jul 13, 2021)

fishfryer said:


> Sometimes I want to write something that isn’t proper grammar.


I got the southern app on my computer , it corrects if I happen to spell something correctly .


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## JustUs4All (Jul 13, 2021)

I can misspell something so badly that the spell check has no idea where to start.


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## Baroque Brass (Jul 14, 2021)

What do you call potatoes that go to a football game?

Spectaters


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## TJay (Jul 18, 2021)

I keep all my Dad jokes in a Dad-a-base.


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## gobbleinwoods (Jul 18, 2021)

What do you call the soft tissue in a shark's mouth?



The slowest swimmer.


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

I once had a bad problem with hokey pokey but I turned myself around.


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.


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## doenightmare (Jul 20, 2021)

Please Lord -  make it stop.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 20, 2021)

doenightmare said:


> Please Lord -  make it stop.


My kids acted the same way when I would corner them and start telling these kind of jokes


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 20, 2021)

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. 


That would be a big step forward.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 20, 2021)

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?



Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 20, 2021)

How does the moon cut his hair?




Eclipse it.


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## Evergreen (Jul 20, 2021)

True story

My grandfather to me as we go over a railroad crossing, "Boy the train just went by"

Me, "How do you know?"

Pawpaw, "I can still see its tracks"


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## treemanjohn (Jul 20, 2021)

Two cakes are in an oven. One cake says man its hit in here. The other cake says wow a talking cake


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## 4HAND (Jul 20, 2021)

Milkman said:


> I once had a bad problem with hokey pokey but I turned myself around.


I just read this one to my daughter.

She smiled as she walked away.........


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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jul 20, 2021)

4HAND said:


> I just read this one to my daughter.
> 
> She smiled as she walked away.........


Mine appear to be glutton for punishment.   Keep having to duck in here for a new one


Need more!!!


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## BamaGeorgialine (Jul 20, 2021)

I didn't read through all the pages so it might have been told already so here it goes....
What did the three legged dog say when he walked into the saloon? 
I'm looking for the man who shot my paw


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

How does Moses make tea???

Hebrews it


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

Did you hear about the two guy’s who stole the calendar ??


They each got 6 months


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

What do you call a deer with only one eye??


No-eye-deer


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet. 


I don’t know why.


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## Whitefeather (Jul 20, 2021)

What do you call a dog with no ears??


Anything you want…he still won’t come.


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## Milkman (Jul 20, 2021)

Y’all don’t blame me. I took my grandkids to Hotrods Diner in Social Circle for lunch. They had these jokes running on a screen.


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## Whitefeather (Jul 20, 2021)

Y’all ever seen Stevie Wonders wife?


He hasn’t either


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## 4HAND (Jul 20, 2021)

These are so bad.........


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 21, 2021)




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## Batjack (Jul 22, 2021)

What has bark but no bite? A tree.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 22, 2021)

how can you tell if a tree is a dogwood?


From it's bark


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 22, 2021)

4HAND said:


> These are so bad.........



How do you make your wife moan for an hour?


Show her this thread.


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## mrs. hornet22 (Jul 22, 2021)

Dad to me: They're looking for ya.
Me: Who?
Dad: The squirrels. They think your nuts. 



He loved that one.


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## sea trout (Jul 22, 2021)

What did the cab driver say to the wolf?


Where wolf???!!!!


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## sea trout (Jul 22, 2021)

Why don't people eat clowns?




Cause they taste funny!!!


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## sea trout (Jul 22, 2021)

Why do cowboys wear 2 spurs?? If one side of the horse goes..... SO does the other!!!!


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## Baroque Brass (Jul 25, 2021)

I spent all day plowing. It was a harrowing experience.


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## Baroque Brass (Jul 25, 2021)

My wife asked me if I’d like a home made apple pie. I told her that sounded appealing. 

A group of preachers were having coffee coffee and telling amusing anecdotes. They were revving it up.


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## Whitefeather (Jul 25, 2021)

I’ve seen a dog hunt and a catfish.


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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jul 25, 2021)

What did one pirate say to the other when they were playing chess?


Checkmatey.


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 25, 2021)

Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
.
.
.
At the second hand store.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 25, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
> .
> .
> .
> At the second hand store.



now that one is bad


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## Batjack (Jul 26, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
> .
> .
> .
> At the second hand store.


That's so bad I gotta clean my computer screne.


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## 4HAND (Jul 26, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> now that one is bad


It's in good company.


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## doenightmare (Jul 26, 2021)

A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere.


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## doenightmare (Jul 26, 2021)

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback.


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## Hillbilly stalker (Jul 26, 2021)




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## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jul 26, 2021)

What do you call a factory that makes just "okay" products? 




A satisfactory.


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## doenightmare (Jul 26, 2021)

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?They're both Paris sites

I'll be here all the week.


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## doenightmare (Jul 26, 2021)

Why did (Useles) Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones.


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## Doug B. (Jul 26, 2021)

Hillbilly stalker said:


>


Nice?


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 27, 2021)

When algebra teachers retire,
 how do they deal with the aftermath?


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## specialk (Jul 28, 2021)

to the man who stole my anti-depressants......









i hope you're happy now!


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## specialk (Jul 28, 2021)

you really got to hand it to short people ....





mainly because they can't reach it...


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## 1eyefishing (Jul 28, 2021)

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.


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## Milkman (Jul 28, 2021)

My friend went bald years ago but still carries a comb. 


He just can’t part with it.


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## Milkman (Jul 28, 2021)

Amal and Juan are identical twins, but their mom only carries a picture of Juan.  


If you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.


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## specialk (Jul 28, 2021)

a priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank....the rabbit says ''i think i'm a type ""O"".....



gotta' think hard on this one!!


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 28, 2021)

2 blondes were sitting on a bench in New Mexico staring at the moon. 

One blonde says, I wonder which is farther away, the moon or Florida?

The other blonde says, DUH!  You can't see Florida!


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## Whitefeather (Jul 28, 2021)

I got kicked out of school because they have recess

And I don’t play


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## Sixes (Jul 28, 2021)

Whitefeather said:


> Y’all ever seen Stevie Wonders wife?
> 
> 
> He hasn’t either


He also has to pay child support and never gets to see his kids


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 29, 2021)

The Ranger threw me out of the park for arranging the squirrels by their size.



The Ranger said it was against the rules to critter size


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## Hillbilly stalker (Jul 29, 2021)

Boy it’s getting deep in here.


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## 4HAND (Jul 29, 2021)

specialk said:


> a priest, a preacher, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank....the rabbit says ''i think i'm a type ""O"".....
> 
> 
> 
> gotta' think hard on this one!!


I like this one. It's almost funny..............


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 29, 2021)

4HAND said:


> I like this one. It's almost funny..............



what ???

you didn't think my critter sizing joke was funny?


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## 4HAND (Jul 29, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> what ???
> 
> you didn't think my critter sizing joke was funny?


I must be truthful.  No. I'm sorry, I hope my critter sizing isn't too harsh.


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## NE GA Pappy (Jul 29, 2021)

4HAND said:


> I must be truthful.  No. I'm sorry, I hope my critter sizing isn't too harsh.





musta been a lil' critter


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## Evergreen (Jul 29, 2021)

Whitefeather said:


> I got kicked out of school because they have recess
> 
> And I don’t play



Aight now chuck norris


----------



## 1eyefishing (Jul 30, 2021)

What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
.
.
.
 Nothing, they fast.


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 1, 2021)

Due to excess noise in Hawaii you are no longer to laugh out loud, you must use........Aloha!


----------



## GeorgiaGlockMan (Aug 1, 2021)

Mike 65 said:


> Due to excess noise in Hawaii you are no longer to laugh out loud, you must use........Aloha!


Lol - joke of the day nominee.   Shared that as 1 of 2 that I forward to my kids.


----------



## GeorgiaGlockMan (Aug 1, 2021)

1eyefishing said:


> What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
> .
> .
> .
> Nothing, they fast.




Good one.


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 1, 2021)

GeorgiaGlockMan said:


> Lol - joke of the day nominee.   Shared that as 1 of 2 that I forward to my kids.


My granddaughter tells me these all the time.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 1, 2021)

Last night I dreamed I was a muffler.



I woke up exhausted.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 1, 2021)

what do you get from chickens? meat


what do you get from pigs?  bacon


what do you get from fat cows?  Homework.





as told by my 9y/o grandson


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 1, 2021)

To the person who invented zero. Thanks for nothing


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 1, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> what do you get from chickens? meat
> 
> 
> what do you get from pigs?  bacon
> ...


I really like that one!


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 3, 2021)

What did socialists use for a light before candles?
.
.
.
Electricity.


----------



## Milkman (Aug 4, 2021)

What kind of tree grows in your hand???

Hmmm


Hmmm


A palm


----------



## The Original Rooster (Aug 4, 2021)

Honda's are mentioned in the Bible.
It says they all came in one Accord.


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 4, 2021)

RoosterTodd said:


> Honda's are mentioned in the Bible.
> It says they all came in one Accord.


And the Wise men worked for the fire department... 
the Bible says “they come from afar”.


----------



## 4HAND (Aug 4, 2021)

Dear Lord.......


----------



## Liberty (Aug 5, 2021)

Why does Santa have a big garden?

Because he loves to ho ho ho.


----------



## j_seph (Aug 5, 2021)

What is the best pet to have indoors?
A plant, cause they soil their own pot.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 9, 2021)

How does the farmer find new cows to buy?


 He looks through the cattle-log.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 9, 2021)




----------



## TJay (Aug 12, 2021)

What did the Martian say to the fifty foot woman?

Take me to your ladder, I'll see your leader later.


----------



## 4HAND (Aug 12, 2021)

?


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 12, 2021)

How do mountains see?
.
.
.
They peak.


----------



## Hickory Nut (Aug 12, 2021)

What animal has to be oiled?

Mice, they squeak.


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 12, 2021)

What did the janitor say when he came out of the closet?


SUPPLIES!!!!!


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 12, 2021)

Today I saw a sheep in a swimsuit driving a car

It was a lamb bikini


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 12, 2021)

I dont trust stairs.... theyre always up to something


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 12, 2021)

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says to the bartender I'm looking for the man who shot my paw


----------



## specialk (Aug 17, 2021)

I was driving past a prison today when I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending


----------



## David C. (Aug 17, 2021)

What did the dentist play in the marching band? The tuba toothpaste.

Why cant fruit get married? Because it cantelope.


----------



## GunnSmokeer (Aug 17, 2021)

Q: How far can you walk into a 100-acre woods?


A:  Halfway.
(After that, you'd be walking OUT)


----------



## GunnSmokeer (Aug 17, 2021)

specialk said:


> I was driving past a prison today when I saw a dwarf climbing down the prison wall. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending




Reminds me of:


Did you hear about the manhunt for a midget , a fugitive con-artist who was ripping people off by taking money to "connect with" their deceased relatives?

There's an All Points Bulletin out for
"a small medium at large"!


----------



## MX5HIGH (Aug 17, 2021)




----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 17, 2021)

What is a cashew?





the sound a nut makes when it sneezes


----------



## Milkman (Aug 17, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> What is a cashew?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This has to win.      Worst one yet ?


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 17, 2021)

Milkman said:


> This has to win.      Worst one yet ?




thank you... thank you... I'll be here all week.  Tell you friends.


----------



## hopper (Aug 17, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> thank you... thank you... I'll be here all week.  Tell you friends.


I like my friends better than that?


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 17, 2021)

I came here to make a beef joke but I would probably butcher it.


----------



## 4HAND (Aug 17, 2021)

Lord please make it stop. Amen.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 17, 2021)

4HAND said:


> Lord please make it stop. Amen.



you know you love it.

Probably save them up to tell down at da far station


----------



## 1982ace (Aug 17, 2021)

What to do call a country where everyone drives pink cadillacs?
....... pink carnation


----------



## 4HAND (Aug 17, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> you know you love it.
> 
> Probably save them up to tell down at da far station


I do read some to my daughter.
Read the "con descending" one to her about 20 minutes ago.  ?


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 17, 2021)

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick


----------



## treemanjohn (Aug 17, 2021)

Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing


----------



## fireman32 (Aug 17, 2021)

What do you call a hen looking a lettuce


A chicken sees a salad


----------



## MX5HIGH (Aug 17, 2021)

What is the Christmas gift you can give that just can’t be beat?




A broken drum ??????


----------



## MX5HIGH (Aug 18, 2021)

What do snowmen do on the weekend?  



They just chill out.


----------



## tanker (Aug 18, 2021)

The company who makes yard sticks has announced they will not be making them any longer.


----------



## tanker (Aug 18, 2021)

Mars said:


> What do you call a deer with no eyes?
> 
> 
> No eye deer


What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eye deer.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 18, 2021)

tanker said:


> The company who makes yard sticks has announced they will not be making them any longer.



Or any shorter either


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 18, 2021)

My cellphone camera accidently took a 10 minute video of my shoes.


It was some pretty good footage


----------



## GeorgiaGlockMan (Aug 18, 2021)

tanker said:


> What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still, no eye deer.


Lol.  Had to share both of those as joke of the day to my daughter.   

Still deer...get it no legs.  Lol lol.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 19, 2021)

I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  Now I am having frequent vowel movements.











the next one could spell disaster


----------



## 4HAND (Aug 19, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles.  Now I am having frequent vowel movements.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I just called my daughter & read her this one.
She gave me that polite laugh...........


----------



## Mike 65 (Aug 26, 2021)

Another one from my granddaughter... 
A piece of pie cost $3.50 in the Bahamas, same piece of pie cost $5.00 in Jamaica.
Now you know the pirates of the Caribbean!


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 26, 2021)

4HAND said:


> I just called my daughter & read her this one.
> She gave me that polite laugh...........



should have done like that monkey and check them for fit first


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 26, 2021)

What do you call a bunch of tractors parked at the McDonalds on a Saturday night in Alabama? 






Prom Night


----------



## livinoutdoors (Aug 26, 2021)

I went to mcdonalds and had a kids meal for dinner. It was good but their parents got all mad about it.


----------



## Oldstick (Aug 26, 2021)

OK, one I remember as a kid (1970s) from my Dad, dearly departed in 2011.

"What is the fastest growing city in Georgia?"







Dublin, because it is doublin' ever single day.


----------



## specialk (Aug 27, 2021)




----------



## BeerThirty (Aug 27, 2021)

My really smart friend said an onion is the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face and proved him otherwise.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Aug 27, 2021)

My doctor was explaining how good the dried grapes are for you.



Said he was just raisin my awareness of them.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 28, 2021)

what do you get when you pick a hog's nose?




Ham boogers.









I know,   Snot funny.


----------



## zedex (Aug 29, 2021)

4HAND said:


> Lord please make it stop. Amen.



Similar to what my daughter said, " oh, God, please stooooppppppppp"


----------



## David C. (Aug 31, 2021)

The CEO of Ikea just got elected president of Sweden. He's still assembling his cabinet.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Aug 31, 2021)

the chicken walked up on a duck, just as he was starting to cross the road.









Don't do it, the chicken said.  You will never hear the last of it.


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 7, 2021)

What goes 99 clump …..99 clump…..99 clump? 


A centipede with a wooden leg


----------



## specialk (Sep 8, 2021)




----------



## fishfryer (Sep 8, 2021)

My Grandson(9) asked me why is it so loud in a cemetery? Because of all the coffins. He said he made it up


----------



## Mars (Sep 8, 2021)

two thumbs up for this entire thread


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 8, 2021)

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?


No pressure


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 8, 2021)

He who breaks wind in church..... sits in his own pew.


----------



## fireman32 (Sep 8, 2021)

I’ve got some dead batteries you can have, free of charge.


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 9, 2021)

What do you call a retired Terminator?  


An Exterminator


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 9, 2021)

did you hear about the teacher that took up the rubber band pistol from a boy during math class?

she claimed it was a weapon of math disruption


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 9, 2021)

time flies like an arrow.


Fruit flies like a banana


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 9, 2021)

Turns out she was a little whiskey maker, but he loved her still


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 9, 2021)

2 silk worms decided to have a race, but they ended up in a tie


----------



## treemanjohn (Sep 9, 2021)

Know what my best friend said before he kicked the bucket?


Hey watch me kick this bucket


----------



## treemanjohn (Sep 9, 2021)

A man walked in to a bar, his friend ducked


----------



## notnksnemor (Sep 10, 2021)

Why did the duck cross the road?




He was stapled to the chicken.


----------



## Mike 65 (Sep 10, 2021)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done!


----------



## notnksnemor (Sep 10, 2021)

Possum  - A grey, flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.


----------



## fishfryer (Sep 10, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> Turns out she was a little whiskey maker, but he loved her still


Pappy,how many more you got?


----------



## Mike 65 (Sep 10, 2021)

notnksnemor said:


> Possum  - A grey, flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.


And sleeps a long time.


----------



## treemanjohn (Sep 10, 2021)

Why did the square turn into a circle? 
He wanted to cut some corners


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 10, 2021)

fishfryer said:


> Pappy,how many more you got?



I will be performing all week.  and the next week..

maybe a couple, three months


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 10, 2021)

I was driving down the road and saw a sign that said Lobster Tails, $2

So I pulled in, told the man I wanted a lobster tail, and gave him 2 bucks.

He looked at me and said..... Once upon a time, there was this lobster................


----------



## specialk (Sep 13, 2021)

notnksnemor said:


> Possum  - A grey, flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.




@Da Possum ain't gonna like this one bit!!


----------



## specialk (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## specialk (Sep 13, 2021)




----------



## 4HAND (Sep 14, 2021)

I know.............


----------



## Milkman (Sep 14, 2021)

4HAND said:


> View attachment 1104349
> 
> I know.............



Bad, really bad. ?


----------



## Keebs (Sep 14, 2021)

4HAND said:


> View attachment 1104349
> 
> I know.............


----------



## huntersluck (Sep 15, 2021)

I used this joke on my kids but I have used it on other adults as well. When they say they have a brain freeze I say don't worry it wont last long.


----------



## 4HAND (Sep 16, 2021)

If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns, always go for the juggler...........


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 21, 2021)

I just blew my nose
I thought it was blood
But it's not


----------



## Da Possum (Sep 21, 2021)

Whitefeather said:


> I just blew my nose
> I thought it was blood
> But it's not



I don't get it


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 21, 2021)

Da Possum said:


> I don't get it


IKR


----------



## Brim Hat (Sep 21, 2021)

It snot


----------



## Whitefeather (Sep 21, 2021)

^^^^^^^^^^This guy knows a funny joke when he reads one


----------



## treemanjohn (Sep 21, 2021)

I told my daughter this one last week

What do you call a cow with 5 legs? Rare
What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Stake
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Sep 29, 2021)

what do you get if you divid the circumference of a pumpkin by it's diameter?



Pumpkin Pi


----------



## 4HAND (Oct 8, 2021)

Who helped the little punkin across the road?


The Crossing Gourd..........


----------



## Mike 65 (Oct 8, 2021)

Why did the orange stop while crossing the road?

It ran out of juice!
(my granddaughter tells me one every time she comes over)


----------



## gunnurse (Oct 8, 2021)

Why are kolas not actually considered bears?

They lack proper koala-fications.


----------



## 4HAND (Oct 11, 2021)

What does Bruce Lee drink after a workout? 

"WHAATTAAA"!!!!


----------



## GunnSmokeer (Oct 12, 2021)

Q:   Did you hear the joke about the deaf man?


A:  No....


Punchline:  Neither did HE!


----------



## Mars (Oct 12, 2021)

treemanjohn said:


> I told my daughter this one last week
> 
> What do you call a cow with 5 legs? Rare
> What do you call a cow with 1 leg? Stake
> What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom



How long have you been divorced?


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Oct 14, 2021)

How do flat earthers travel the world?



On a plane.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Oct 22, 2021)

In which genre of music do national anthems belong?


Country.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 22, 2021)

Did you know that scientist were finally able to weigh a rainbow?



They said they were all pretty light


----------



## brian lancaster (Oct 22, 2021)

kid asked teacher if poots have lumps she said no kid says im in a mess


----------



## Geffellz18 (Oct 22, 2021)




----------



## Hilsman (Oct 22, 2021)

If your American standing outside the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?



European


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 23, 2021)

We added Grandma's number in the speed dial.



It is listed as Instagram


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 23, 2021)

Is stealing someone's coffee called a mugging?


----------



## fishfryer (Oct 23, 2021)

NE GA Pappy said:


> Is stealing someone's coffee called a mugging?


It should be a felony!


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Oct 26, 2021)

Where do Dads store all their dad jokes?




In a dad-a-base!


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Oct 26, 2021)




----------



## brian lancaster (Oct 26, 2021)

how to kill a polarbear, cut a hole in the ice and kick him in the icehole


----------



## Whitefeather (Oct 27, 2021)

Why do hummingbirds hum??

Because they don’t know the words


----------



## Baroque Brass (Oct 28, 2021)

brian lancaster said:


> how to kill a polarbear, cut a hole in the ice and kick him in the icehole


Let us know how that works out for you!


----------



## JustUs4All (Oct 28, 2021)

Meh, works on paper.


----------



## fishfryer (Oct 28, 2021)

brian lancaster said:


> how to kill a polarbear, cut a hole in the ice and kick him in the icehole


You forget the can of peas? You open a can of peas sprinkle around the ice hole,when the bear comes to take a pea,then you kick him in the ice hole.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Oct 29, 2021)




----------



## Oldstick (Nov 7, 2021)

Told by Latino comic, Dennis Axiola.  He asked his very non-political elderly grandfather, what he thought about a woman's right to choose.





"I think everyone needs to wear choose."


----------



## Batjack (Nov 7, 2021)

Oldstick said:


> Told by Latino comic, Dennis Axiola.  He asked his very non-political elderly grandfather, what he thought about a woman's right to choose.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You owe me a scene cleaning!


----------



## Hillbilly stalker (Nov 7, 2021)

I was looking for the movie “ Gone in 60 seconds”…..it was here a minute ago !


----------



## 4HAND (Nov 7, 2021)

?


----------



## Oldstick (Nov 8, 2021)

Batjack said:


> You owe me a scene cleaning!


Sorry, that should have been Dennis Gaxiola.


----------



## NCHillbilly (Nov 8, 2021)

What do you call it when your chicken house gets hainted? 

A poultrygeist.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Nov 8, 2021)




----------



## Hillbilly stalker (Nov 14, 2021)




----------



## Whitefeather (Nov 16, 2021)

What do you call a broken can opener??

A can’t opener


----------



## BeerThirty (Nov 16, 2021)

Where do dads keep all their jokes stored? 






In the dad-a-base.


----------



## TJay (Nov 24, 2021)

Why are cranberries red?



'Coz they saw the turkey dressing!


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Nov 24, 2021)

I want to watch Gone In Sixty Seconds on the CD but can't find it.





It was here a minute ago.


----------



## Mike 65 (Nov 24, 2021)

What kind of shoes do bakers wear?

Loafers.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Dec 2, 2021)

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”

His wife asked, “How do you know?”






“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”


----------



## MX5HIGH (Dec 3, 2021)

How do you know Santa is good at Karate?  






He wears a black belt.


----------



## snookdoctor (Dec 4, 2021)

A lumberjack walked in to clear a forest with a huge ax.
The trees were all very concerned.
The trees that were a little frightened were the first to fall.
Next to be cut down were the trees that were extremely scared.
When the lumberjack left the scene, the only trees that remained standing were petrified.


----------



## Whitefeather (Dec 4, 2021)

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?


Nothing…. it’s on the house.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Dec 4, 2021)

How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing, cause it's on the house?
 Wrong. Actually it's through the roof.


----------



## Mars (Dec 17, 2021)

What do you call a psychic gnome that broke out of prison?

A small medium at large.


----------



## specialk (Dec 17, 2021)




----------



## fireman32 (Dec 20, 2021)

Went to the hospital for a peek a boo accident. They put me in ICU.


----------



## gawildlife (Dec 20, 2021)




----------



## Doug B. (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## gawildlife (Dec 22, 2021)




----------



## Whitefeather (Dec 22, 2021)

Best Christmas present I ever got was a broken drum…..
You just can’t beat that.


----------



## gawildlife (Dec 23, 2021)




----------



## gawildlife (Dec 23, 2021)




----------



## 4HAND (Dec 25, 2021)

Oh Boy!!


----------



## 4HAND (Dec 25, 2021)




----------



## Whitefeather (Dec 30, 2021)

*If Nicolas Cage were broke, he would be Nickel-less Cage*


----------



## 4HAND (Dec 30, 2021)

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like, watt?


----------



## jdgator (Dec 30, 2021)

Hey gang, keep these jokes going. I text them to my aunts on the reg. They love hearing them.


----------



## one_shot (Dec 31, 2021)

A drunk was walking side the road, one foot on the curb & one foot on the pavement. A state trooper pulled over said you drunk? Man ( Thank God I thought I was crippled!)


----------



## TJay (Jan 2, 2022)

How can you tell the difference between a Carpenter ant and a regular ant?

Rainy days and Mondays always get them down.


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 2, 2022)

Don't be worried about your smart TV & phone spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years..............


----------



## fireman32 (Jan 2, 2022)

If you’re cold, just go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 7, 2022)

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. 
Now I have Heinzsight.


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 10, 2022)

I have been promoted to Director of Old McDonald's Farm.
I am now the *CIEIO*.


----------



## Buck70 (Jan 10, 2022)

Congratulations


----------



## TJay (Jan 10, 2022)

Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves.  Today was just the tip of the iceberg.


----------



## Doug B. (Jan 10, 2022)

Q: What do you get from a forgetful cow?
A: Milk of amnesia.


----------



## fireman32 (Jan 10, 2022)

You know sign language is the least spoken language.


----------



## doenightmare (Jan 10, 2022)

My prayer wasn't answered -  this thread is still going.


----------



## Mars (Jan 10, 2022)

What sound does a witch’s car make? Broom broom!


----------



## Mars (Jan 10, 2022)

A friend of mine didn't pay his exorcist. He got repossessed


----------



## 1eyefishing (Jan 10, 2022)

Where does my dad get all his lousy jokes?
From his dadda-base.


----------



## Mars (Jan 10, 2022)

Did you know that a stadium gets hotter after the game when all the fans leave?


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 10, 2022)

What did Beethoven become after he died?

A Decomposer.


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 13, 2022)

When I was little my mom would feed me alphabet soup. She claimed I loved it.
I didn't. She was just putting words in my mouth.........


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 14, 2022)

Recently took a pole:
99% of the people were annoyed when their tent fell down...........


----------



## specialk (Jan 18, 2022)




----------



## NE GA Pappy (Jan 19, 2022)

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?



Nothing.  He was gladiator.


----------



## Duff (Jan 19, 2022)

Y’all crazy


----------



## Mike 65 (Jan 19, 2022)

Why are ghost the worst liars?
Cuase you can see right through them!


----------



## Mike 65 (Jan 19, 2022)

What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork chop!


----------



## specialk (Jan 20, 2022)

I had to stop and get air in my tire today. It’s $1.00 now at the coin operated pump. I remember when it used to be 25 cents. Talk about inflation!


----------



## specialk (Jan 20, 2022)




----------



## gobbleinwoods (Jan 20, 2022)

specialk said:


> I had to stop and get air in my tire today. It’s $1.00 now at the coin operated pump. I remember when it used to be 25 cents. Talk about inflation!



I remember when every gas station had a hose out by the bays for free.


----------



## fishfryer (Jan 20, 2022)

gobbleinwoods said:


> I remember when every gas station had a hose out by the bays for free.


And free steak knives with fill up. Check your oil, pump up tires,top off radiator, give directions and a free roadmap.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Jan 20, 2022)

fishfryer said:


> And free steak knives with fill up. Check your oil, pump up tires,top off radiator, give directions and a free roadmap.



Had a station in NC that give melmack plates and such.   We ate off them everyday.   Oh, and recycled oil by the quart for your car.


----------



## fishfryer (Jan 20, 2022)

gobbleinwoods said:


> Had a station in NC that give melmack plates and such.   We ate off them everyday.   Oh, and recycled oil by the quart for your car.


And let us not forget the free ice water. Before cars had a/c and folks rode around a lot, water was an advertising item to get drivers to stop.


----------



## specialk (Jan 20, 2022)

gobbleinwoods said:


> I remember when every gas station had a hose out by the bays for free.



and i remember that a man would fill the tire with air for you.....as well as check the oil and wash the windshield while pumping your gas......for free.....there's a BP here in our ''little'' town that still does it.....in fact a couple owns the station and the wife will do it if the husband is busy.....rare indeed.....


----------



## jaydawg (Jan 20, 2022)

^where is this foreign place you speak of?…


----------



## fishfryer (Jan 20, 2022)

specialk said:


> and i remember that a man would fill the tire with air for you.....as well as check the oil and wash the windshield while pumping your gas......for free.....there's a BP here in our ''little'' town that still does it.....in fact a couple owns the station and the wife will do it if the husband is busy.....rare indeed.....


All you doubters read up!


----------



## specialk (Jan 20, 2022)

jaydawg said:


> ^where is this foreign place you speak of?…



Fairburn Full Serve, Fairburn GA......


----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 20, 2022)

Y'all a bunch of old coots


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 20, 2022)




----------



## campboy (Jan 20, 2022)

good one^^^


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 20, 2022)




----------



## Milkman (Jan 23, 2022)

*  Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.*


----------



## Milkman (Jan 23, 2022)

*  Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?*

* He's all right now.*


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 23, 2022)

?


----------



## specialk (Jan 26, 2022)




----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 26, 2022)

I hate gorillas, all of them from  Chimpanzaas to Chimpanzees


----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 27, 2022)

What’s the last thing General Custer said???




Holy Cow!!!look at all those Indians!!


----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 27, 2022)

What the last thing Davy Crockett said??


We pouring concrete today???


----------



## 1eyefishing (Jan 27, 2022)

Where do fish keep their money?

 In the riverbank.


----------



## 4HAND (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## Milkman (Jan 28, 2022)

^^^^^^^^^^


----------



## specialk (Jan 28, 2022)




----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 28, 2022)

Why are fish skinny?


They only eat fish.


----------



## slow motion (Jan 30, 2022)

Why don't blind people skydive?



It scares their dog.


----------



## 4HAND (Feb 1, 2022)

I made some gumbo using only okra & sausage. 
It wasn't bad. It wasn't good.
It was just meaty okra.........


----------



## 1eyefishing (Feb 2, 2022)

What's the difference in Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
.
.
.
 The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Feb 5, 2022)

What time is the Chinaman's dentist appointment?
.
.
.
Tooth hurty.


----------



## Mike 65 (Feb 7, 2022)

What does a painter do when he gets cold?


puts on another coat!


----------



## specialk (Feb 17, 2022)

my friend david lost his id...now he's just dav....


----------



## specialk (Feb 17, 2022)

my uncle has 2 dobermans named rolex and timex....there watchdogs.....


----------



## specialk (Feb 17, 2022)

i ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday....had the biggest vowel movement ever!


----------



## specialk (Feb 17, 2022)

why does a milking stool have only 3 legs?...the cow got the utter....


----------



## specialk (Feb 17, 2022)

i refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job......but when i got home all the signs were there


----------



## TJay (Feb 17, 2022)

What did the astronaut say when he met the 50 ft woman?  "Take me to your ladder I'll see your leader later"


----------



## fireman32 (Feb 17, 2022)

Do short people began a story with “Back when I was little” or “As I am now”


----------



## Hillbilly stalker (Feb 18, 2022)

I went to a book store and asked where is the self-help book section. They told me to find it myself.


----------



## specialk (Feb 23, 2022)




----------



## 4HAND (Feb 23, 2022)

specialk said:


> View attachment 1137464


??


----------



## 1eyefishing (Mar 16, 2022)

One bird cannot make a pun but toucan.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Mar 17, 2022)

What is Irish and sits on a porch?

Paddy O'Furniture


----------



## MX5HIGH (Apr 6, 2022)




----------



## dwhee87 (Apr 23, 2022)




----------



## TJay (Apr 24, 2022)

My desire to hear "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away...


----------



## Ruger#3 (Apr 24, 2022)

TJay said:


> My desire to hear "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away...


----------



## Milkman (Apr 24, 2022)

TJay said:


> My desire to hear "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away...



I think we have a winner (loser)


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Apr 24, 2022)

Milkman said:


> I think we have a winner (loser)



if it isn't, it is really close to it

of course I grinned when I read it though


----------



## Milkman (Apr 24, 2022)

TJay said:


> My desire to hear "The lion sleeps tonight" is just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away...





NE GA Pappy said:


> if it isn't, it is really close to it
> 
> of course I grinned when I read it though



Only a parent who survived the Lions King era can relate


----------



## slow motion (Apr 24, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Only a parent who survived the Lions King era can relate


Alive and kicking brother.


----------



## Whitefeather (Apr 24, 2022)

Thought I had a bloody nose…
Just blew it and it’s not


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Apr 29, 2022)

How many narcissist does it take to change a light bulb?




One.  They just hold the bulb, and let the world revolve around them


----------



## Milkman (Apr 29, 2022)

A clown held a door open for me. 

It was a nice “jester”


----------



## Mars (May 5, 2022)

What did the Lee family name their baby boy that was born prematurely?


Earl


----------



## Mars (May 5, 2022)

What happened to the frog who was parked illegally?

He was toad...


----------



## 4HAND (May 5, 2022)




----------



## Baroque Brass (May 6, 2022)

Why are the melons having a traditional wedding? Cause they cantaloupe.


----------



## TJay (May 16, 2022)

Grandson: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: I dunno, why?

Grandson: To get to the dummies house.

Me: ???

Grandson: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Grandson: It's the chicken...


----------



## dwhee87 (May 16, 2022)

Why'd the Mexican guy take zanax?

For Hispanic attacks...


----------



## Whitefeather (May 17, 2022)

Why are spiders so smart?

They know everything that’s on the web


----------



## MX5HIGH (May 24, 2022)

Thanks everyone for your concern.
First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up.

For those of you who aren’t aware, I was robbed at the gas station in Rome last night. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police.

They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone though. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them

“Yes, it was pump number 6”


----------



## fishfryer (May 24, 2022)

MX5HIGH said:


> Thanks everyone for your concern.
> First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up.
> Thanks everyone for your concern.
> First off, I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up.
> ...


Good juan


----------



## Baroque Brass (Jun 7, 2022)

Why do cows get into water on hot days? Because it’s udderly too hot for anything else.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Jun 7, 2022)

How do 2 snails fight?



They slug it out.


----------



## bullgator (Jun 7, 2022)

I once dated a girl. She was only the farmers daughter, but all the horse men knew her.


----------



## Baroque Brass (Jun 9, 2022)

What do storm clouds have under their raincoats? Thunder wear. 

Wish I could take credit for that, my daughter came up with that one.


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jun 10, 2022)

4HAND said:


> Where do you find a dog with no legs?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What do you call a dog with no legs?  Don't bother calling him he won't come.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Jun 11, 2022)




----------



## NE GA Pappy (Jun 17, 2022)

Why did the cowboy have a paper towel under his hat?



There was a bounty on his head


----------



## MX5HIGH (Jun 17, 2022)

Why wouldn’t the lion eat the clown?  



He tasted funny.


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jun 17, 2022)

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jun 17, 2022)

I won't to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


----------



## 4HAND (Jun 17, 2022)

phillips david 123 said:


> I won't to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jun 17, 2022)

Where i live there is a neighborhood pool. today the pool manager knocked on my door and ask for a small donation for the pool. I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## 4HAND (Jun 17, 2022)

While walking past a farm I saw a sign that said "duck, eggs". That's an unnecessary comma I thought. Then it hit me.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Jun 17, 2022)

phillips david 123 said:


> What do you call a dog with no legs?  Don't bother calling him he won't come.


'Cigarette', because you can only take him for a drag.


----------



## crackerdave (Jun 20, 2022)

New breed of dog...bred for guarding the watermelon patch.
Melon collie.


----------



## Mike 65 (Jun 20, 2022)

I don’t trust trees, they seem kinda shady to me.


----------



## Mike 65 (Jun 20, 2022)

Have you heard about the guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid?
He swears he can stop anytime!


----------



## Mike 65 (Jun 20, 2022)

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.


----------



## Mike 65 (Jun 20, 2022)

Im also afraid of elevators, but I’m taking steps to avoid it.


----------



## Mike 65 (Jun 20, 2022)

All form my granddaughter, bless her heart!  
But I sure do love her.


----------



## GeorgiaGlockMan (Jun 20, 2022)

Mike 65 said:


> All form my granddaughter, bless her heart!
> But I sure do love her.


Hey, they fit here gud.


----------



## TJay (Jun 24, 2022)

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.  Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?"
Elmer says "Yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!"


----------



## 7 point (Jun 25, 2022)

1eyefishing said:


> And what do you name him? Cigarette. Because you can only take him for a drag.


You can call him anything you want but hes not gonna move .


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jun 26, 2022)

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Just one but they have to do it right in the middle of you trying to eat supper.


----------



## 4HAND (Jul 1, 2022)

I had a wonderful childhood. 
My dad used to put me in used tires & roll me down a hill.
Those were the _Goodyears........    _


----------



## dwhee87 (Jul 2, 2022)

TJay said:


> So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.  Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?"
> Elmer says "Yes but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!"


That one got me...


----------



## 4HAND (Jul 2, 2022)




----------



## Geffellz18 (Jul 8, 2022)

What did the Teddy Bear eat for dinner?

….Nothing-He’s stuffed!


----------



## Geffellz18 (Jul 8, 2022)

…I’ll see myself out!


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jul 8, 2022)

My friend gave me his EPI-PEN as he was dying, it seemed very important to him that i have it.


----------



## phillips david 123 (Jul 8, 2022)

You don't need a parachute to go sky diving but you do to go sky diving twice.


----------



## basstrkr (Jul 9, 2022)

My neighbor: The Triple AAA auto club says properly inflated tires can save you 3 cents a mile on gas.

Me: A properly cast vote can save you 3 dollars a gallon!


----------



## TJay (Jul 9, 2022)

There was a man who was served divorce papers from his wife Lorraine after she found out he was seeing their neighbor Claire Lee.
His response?
"I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone"


----------



## specialk (Jul 22, 2022)




----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 3, 2022)




----------



## 4HAND (Aug 3, 2022)

TJay said:


> There was a man who was served divorce papers from his wife Lorraine after she found out he was seeing their neighbor Claire Lee.
> His response?
> "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone"


Oh that's bad. Really bad. ??


----------



## JonathanG2013 (Aug 3, 2022)

A piece of rope walked into a bar. He asked the bar tender for a beer. the bar tender says, sorry we do not serve rope beer in here.  The rope walks out goes to his care and cuts his  hair up top and messes it up.

He walks back into the bar and ask for a beer. The bar tender goes aren't you the piece of rope that just came in here.

He says nope frayed knot.


----------



## Whitefeather (Aug 9, 2022)

A plumber’s dream

Farrah’s Fawcett
and 
Olivia Newton’s John.


----------



## mark-7mag (Aug 9, 2022)

Whitefeather said:


> A plumber’s dream
> 
> Farrah’s Fawcett
> and
> Olivia Newton’s John.


What did he find in Olivia Newton's john?  (RIP)
Gomer's pile


----------



## mark-7mag (Aug 9, 2022)

Whitefeather said:


> I thought that was Rock Hudson


----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## 4HAND (Aug 9, 2022)




----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 10, 2022)

What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
.
.
.
58.


----------



## specialk (Aug 17, 2022)




----------



## 1eyefishing (Aug 24, 2022)

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?


Eclipse it.


Don't ban me.


----------



## specialk (Aug 25, 2022)

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?



No sun.


----------



## MX5HIGH (Sep 16, 2022)

What do you call a dog that doesn’t bark?




A hush puppy.


----------



## Mike 65 (Sep 17, 2022)

What should you say to your sister when she is crying?

Are you having a cri-sis!


----------



## Mike 65 (Sep 17, 2022)

What did the baby corn say to momma corn?


Wheres pop corn!


----------



## 4HAND (Sep 17, 2022)




----------



## Mike 65 (Sep 17, 2022)

4HAND said:


>


I know, I know, that last one was “corny”.


----------



## TJay (Sep 19, 2022)

I have tinnitus so bad I tried calling the tinnitus help line, no answer, just kept ringing.


----------



## TJay (Sep 19, 2022)

I've started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.....One day I hope to be a bouillionaire!


----------



## fishfryer (Sep 19, 2022)

TJay said:


> I've started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.....One day I hope to be a bouillionaire!


Consommé connoisseur


----------



## Mars (Sep 20, 2022)

What did the fish say when he seen into a wall? 


Dam!


----------



## 1eyefishing (Oct 5, 2022)

Star Wars' Yoda DID have a last name…
.
.
.
Layheehoo.

 Don't ban me.


----------



## fishfryer (Oct 5, 2022)

1eyefishing said:


> Star Wars' Yoda DID have a last name…
> .
> .
> .
> ...


A


----------



## greg_n_clayton (Oct 5, 2022)

Today is Wednesday !

10:53


----------



## specialk (Oct 5, 2022)

greg_n_clayton said:


> Today is Wednesday !
> 
> 10:53



goot juan!


----------



## DSGB (Oct 5, 2022)

For lunch today I went to McDonald's and ate a kid's meal.

His mom 'bout killed me.


----------



## sea trout (Oct 5, 2022)

1eyefishing said:


> Star Wars' Yoda DID have a last name…
> .
> .
> .
> ...


big star wars fan here but I've thought hard and I still don't get it


----------



## Milkman (Oct 5, 2022)

sea trout said:


> big star wars fan here but I've thought hard and I still don't get it



Me thinks it’s an attempt to yodel.


----------



## sea trout (Oct 5, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Me thinks it’s an attempt to yodel.


AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh Yes I understand that so clear now!
So horrible that I love it
I'm GONna tell mah kids


----------



## fishfryer (Oct 5, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Me thinks it’s an attempt to yodel.


A for you too


----------



## 4HAND (Oct 5, 2022)

1eyefishing said:


> Star Wars' Yoda DID have a last name…
> .
> .
> .
> ...





sea trout said:


> AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh Yes I understand that so clear now!
> So horrible that I love it
> I'm GONna tell mah kids



Immediately sent it to my daughter after I read it.??


----------



## georgiadawgs44 (Oct 6, 2022)

Awesome thread!


----------



## JonathanG2013 (Oct 6, 2022)

What has four wheels and flies?






A Garbage Truck


----------



## JonathanG2013 (Oct 7, 2022)

Before I start this.  It is just a joke.

A little black boy was watching his mom make a cake.  He knew where some flour was. So he got the flour went outside and dumped it on his head. He walks back in side. He says look Mom, I am a little white boy. She smacked him upside the face and said now go tell your dad what you said. He want to his dad, and said look I am a white boy. The dad hit him upside the face, and said now go tell your Grandma. He told him Grandma, and she hit him upside the face.

The little boy goes back to his Mom.  Mom, I have been white for only five minutes, and I already hate you black folk.


----------



## DSGB (Oct 7, 2022)

This year, I started shooting my bow blindfolded.

Y'all should give it a try.

You don't know what you're missing.


----------



## gunnurse (Oct 8, 2022)

Roy Rogers once left a new pair of shoes on his front porch. The next morning, they were gone, but there were cougar tracks around the place. Ole Roy grabbed his gun and promptly tracked down the cougar, who was still gnawing on one of the shoes. He promptly killed the cougar and drug it home.

Upon seeing seeing this, Dale asked “Pardon me Roy… Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”


----------



## Milkman (Oct 8, 2022)

gunnurse said:


> Roy Rogers once left a new pair of shoes on his front porch. The next morning, they were gone, but there were cougar tracks around the place. Ole Roy grabbed his gun and promptly tracked down the cougar, who was still gnawing on one of the shoes. He promptly killed the cougar and drug it home.
> 
> Upon seeing seeing this, Dale asked “Pardon me Roy… Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”



Absolute winner here. No way to get worse.


----------



## 4HAND (Oct 8, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Absolute winner here. No way to get worse.


It's pretty bad.......


----------



## Toliver (Oct 8, 2022)

How many people actually know to put the punchline to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo though?


----------



## Doug B. (Oct 8, 2022)

Toliver said:


> How many people actually know to put the punchline to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo though?


Still pretty bad!!!!


----------



## Toliver (Oct 8, 2022)

Did you hear about the guy that fired a janitor after he was caught with weed?

He didn't like high maintenance employees.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Oct 15, 2022)

Why did the blind man fall down the well?
.
.
.
 He couldn't see that well.

Don't ban me.


----------



## NCHillbilly (Oct 15, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Absolute winner here. No way to get worse.


Yeah there is. There was a general marching through the Arabian desert searching for problems. He saw a pyramid-shaped building with smoke coming out the top of it. He went to investigate it, and a bunch af Arab warriors came out and killed him. Moral of the story: the searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats are bad for your health.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 15, 2022)

Milkman said:


> Absolute winner here. No way to get worse.



wanna bet??


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 15, 2022)

Toliver said:


> How many people actually know to put the punchline to the tune of Chattanooga Choo Choo though?



I was singing it.. Meeno says   Whut????

Now see is singing it


----------



## Toliver (Oct 16, 2022)

Fun fact:  Australia's largest export is boomerangs. 

It's also their largest import.


----------



## gobbleinwoods (Oct 21, 2022)

Five ants rented a tent.   Then five more ants joined them.


Now they are a tentant.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Oct 21, 2022)

Did you know that Yoda has a last name?

it is Layheewho


----------



## fireman32 (Oct 21, 2022)

Only one way to know if an ant is a male or female.
Put them in water, if they float they’re a buoyant


----------



## 4HAND (Oct 21, 2022)




----------



## 1eyefishing (Nov 1, 2022)

What has 4 wheels and flies?
.
.
.
The garbage truck.

OK, you can ban me...


----------



## 4HAND (Nov 2, 2022)

Why don't ghosts like rain?





It dampens their spirits.


----------



## TJay (Nov 2, 2022)

NCHillbilly said:


> Yeah there is. There was a general marching through the Arabian desert searching for problems. He saw a pyramid-shaped building with smoke coming out the top of it. He went to investigate it, and a bunch af Arab warriors came out and killed him. Moral of the story: the searchin' general has determined that smoking ziggurats are bad for your health.


There was once a disgraced king facing exile.  His only wish was to take his throne with him and that wish was granted.  He was exiled to a small island where he enlisted the help of the natives to build him a grass hut like the others had.  When he moved in there was no room for his old throne so he enlisted their help once again to move it into the small attic of the hut.  During the night the throne came crashing through the ceiling and landed on the old king killing him instantly.  The moral of the story?  He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


----------



## Buck70 (Nov 2, 2022)

TJay said:


> There was once a disgraced king facing exile.  His only wish was to take his throne with him and that wish was granted.  He was exiled to a small island where he enlisted the help of the natives to build him a grass hut like the others had.  When he moved in there was no room for his old throne so he enlisted their help once again to move it into the small attic of the hut.  During the night the throne came crashing through the ceiling and landed on the old king killing him instantly.  The moral of the story?  He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.


----------



## 4HAND (Nov 2, 2022)




----------



## Milkman (Nov 2, 2022)

TJay said:


> There was once a disgraced king facing exile.  His only wish was to take his throne with him and that wish was granted.  He was exiled to a small island where he enlisted the help of the natives to build him a grass hut like the others had.  When he moved in there was no room for his old throne so he enlisted their help once again to move it into the small attic of the hut.  During the night the throne came crashing through the ceiling and landed on the old king killing him instantly.  The moral of the story?  He who lives in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.



I hadn’t heard that one in at least 50 years. I was hoping it had died an honorable death. But here it is still.


----------



## Toliver (Nov 2, 2022)

This thread is going to cause a divorce in my house....  I keep reading these to her.  LOL!


----------



## Mike 65 (Nov 3, 2022)

What breed of dog makes the best bank robbers?

Golden Retrievers!


----------



## Oldstick (Nov 3, 2022)

Have you heard some of the jokes from Phil Rosenthal's Dad (now departed).  Phil was the son of German refugee Jewish parents and the main creator/writer for the "Everybody Loves Raymond" TV show.  Parent's on that show loosely based on Phil and his brother's real parents.

You have to imagine his European accent to appreciate them fully.

"A man was seen visiting the Wailing Wall in Israel every single day.  Someone finally approached him and commented, I notice you here every day.  Why?  I come to pray.  What do you pray for? ........  very long pause.  I pray for good health............................ and for good prosperity.....................and for peace in the world.




Does it work??........

No, it's just like I'm talking to a wall.....!!!


----------



## 1eyefishing (Nov 13, 2022)




----------



## Toliver (Dec 30, 2022)

No action since November 13? Well that just won't do.


----------



## Lukikus2 (Dec 31, 2022)




----------



## 4HAND (Dec 31, 2022)

Y'all hear they admitted Biden to the hospital this morning? 

He couldn't stop Putin.


----------



## Toliver (Dec 31, 2022)

4HAND said:


> Y'all hear they admitted Biden to the hospital this morning?
> 
> He couldn't stop Putin.


In his case that probably gets messy.


----------



## Lukikus2 (Dec 31, 2022)

Not mine but one I saw on a “Moonshiner’s” episode today. 

My teacher said I was a procrastinator. 

I said “You just wait”.


----------



## NE GA Pappy (Dec 31, 2022)

The people in Dubai don't like Flintstone jokes.

But the folks in Abu Dhabi do.


----------



## 1eyefishing (Dec 31, 2022)

Why did Billy chase the chicken across the road?
.
.
.
 He wanted to see poultry in motion.
 Don't ban me.


----------



## TJay (Jan 3, 2023)

Never yell into a colander, you'll strain your voice!


----------



## Mars (Jan 3, 2023)

It really takes guts to be an organ donor.


----------



## Mars (Jan 3, 2023)

I hated facial hair but then it grew on me.


----------



## Whitefeather (Jan 3, 2023)

This coffee tastes like mud. 

It should because it was ground this morning


----------



## Mars (Jan 6, 2023)

My wife got mad at me last night when she dropped the laundry. I didn't do anything, I just watched it unfold.


----------



## Mars (Jan 6, 2023)

My doctor told me I was going deaf. That news was hard to hear.


----------

