# Question about extra-marital affairs



## Buckaroo93 (Nov 16, 2015)

I am 48. My girlfriend is 46. We have been together almost 3 years. Lived together for almost 2.5 years. She told me last night that 8 years ago, when she was single, she had a 1+ year long long affair with a married man (who was also her boyfriend in high school). Right after that one ended she had another affair with a married man for about 1 year. (That one I knew about. I can give a pass for 1 time lapse of judgment) That affair resulted in him leaving his wife and kids and for them to get married, which never happened. I explained to her that it is now difficult for me to trust her. She said "but I wasn't married at the time." I tried to explain that apparently she saw no issue with them (the men) cheating on their spouses, so why would I believe she wouldn't feel the same. She can't understand how I can feel as if she would cheat on me if given the opportunity because SHE wasn't married at the time. Am I blowing this up or am I in the right in feeling this way?


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## ryanh487 (Nov 16, 2015)

That's a hard one...  I can speak from personal experience though, that I wish I had taken more issue with my now ex wife's history of cheating.  She cheated on every relationship before ours, but claimed that she would never break her marriage vows.  A year and a half later she broke that promise too.  

Marriage being successful has a lot to do with one's character.  Someone who lacks the character to respect another's marriage is not going to have the character to respect their own if they are emotionally lead instead of rationally/morally lead.  Only you can tell how she thinks.  If she's emotionally driven, impulsive, "follow your heart" type, you might want to consider making a break for it while you can still keep all your stuff and find someone of sounder moral character.  

Now, people can change.  But change would indicate that she take the point of view of "Wow I messed up big and am so ashamed of my past behavior", not "well it's no big deal because I wasn't married".


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## Buckaroo93 (Nov 16, 2015)

That's what I thought. And she, by her own admission, is very emotionally driven and extremely needy.


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## Flash (Nov 16, 2015)

ryanh487 said:


> Now, people can change.  But change would indicate that she take the point of view of "Wow I messed up big and am so ashamed of my past behavior", not "well it's no big deal because I wasn't married".



 This, 

  RUN


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## K80Shooter (Nov 16, 2015)

Can you trust her or not....... I don't know but being you are asking this you should do "both" of you a favor and call it quits.

Without trust there will be nothing but trouble.


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## specialk (Nov 16, 2015)

I tend to agree with Flash on this....


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## dawg2 (Nov 16, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> ...it is now difficult for me to trust her. ..



I believe you answered your own question.


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## NCHillbilly (Nov 16, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> That's what I thought. And she, by her own admission, is very emotionally driven and extremely needy.



That would do it for me without even considering the infidelity issue.


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## RNC (Nov 16, 2015)

You are halfway out the door now .......keep moving !


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## 1gr8bldr (Nov 16, 2015)

I don't know what circumstances she told you this under, whether just small talk or what. But one way to look at this is that if she had thought she was "still" capable of this, she would have withheld this info. But I agree, it does cause concern. My advice to you would be to make a decision, that if you stay with her, to let it go. Don't bring it up over and over ... lol, like a woman would to a man.


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## 1gr8bldr (Nov 16, 2015)

Otherwise.... are you happy together? I understand the concern in investing you life in someone whom might not be a safe bet. But be careful not to treat her as if she already has had an affair on you. If your relationship is a 6 on a 1 to 10 scale, I agree with the others. If it is an 8, then you may be  blowing this up and I would say "don't blow it". It all hinges on whether you are happy with her. I suspect that if your happy with her, she is likely happy with you. If not then an affair is not ruled out for she might consider she has not much to loose.


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## 1gr8bldr (Nov 16, 2015)

I reread your post, lol, we might be reading to much into this. Yes, you are right to feel this way, to say or do anything about it is the question


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## SarahFair (Nov 16, 2015)

People usually cheat or have affairs because they are trying to fill some emotional void in their life. 

I think she probably liked being able to attract a taken man away from a woman hes promised himself to because it made her feel more worthy. 

If she is still very needy I would think she has some issues she needs to work through.


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## karen936 (Nov 16, 2015)

I would not trust a man or a women that would
cheat. The relationship is hard enough to maintain
this is like asking for trouble. Zebra's don't change their
stripes.


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## T-N-T (Nov 16, 2015)

SarahFair said:


> People usually cheat or have affairs because they are trying to fill some emotional void in their life.
> 
> I think she probably liked being able to attract a taken man away from a woman hes promised himself to because it made her feel more worthy.
> 
> If she is still very needy I would think she has some issues she needs to work through.



I think Sara is on to something.
IF she is admits to being emotionally needy and whatnot.


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## Atlanta Dawg (Nov 17, 2015)

*Amen!*



flynlow said:


> Do you ever plan on marrying this girl? If so, ya'll have some serious trust issues to work out. If not, don't worry about it and keep on doing what your doing until the fun is over and then move on. Seems simple enough.



Why would you want to get married at age 48 when you are aware of the likely potential of this issue occurring again?  At the same time-do you feel confident this isn't happening right now ?  Suggest you follow advice of "Flynlow" and keep the party going until it is obvious it is time for one or the other to move on !!!  Enjoy !  (Plus-this is a great site for relationship advice)!!


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## Buckaroo93 (Nov 17, 2015)

And on top of of things, last night I asked to see her phone and she absolutely refused. Then she said she deleted things she knew I would not approve of. GEEZ!


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## Throwback (Nov 17, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> That's what I thought. And she, by her own admission, is very emotionally driven and extremely needy.





Buckaroo93 said:


> And on top of of things, last night I asked to see her phone and she absolutely refused. Then she said she deleted things she knew I would not approve of. GEEZ!




Houston we have a  problem!!!

RED ALERT!! RED ALERT! 

Eject! Eject!!

Ripcord !!!  Ripcord!!!!


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## Milkman (Nov 17, 2015)

Trust = relationship

Lack of trust = acquaintance


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## ryanh487 (Nov 17, 2015)

If there are things on her phone she knows you wouldn't approve of and she disrespects you enough to do it anyway and hide it, run. If you're not her top priority you don't have a relationship, you have an arrangement that is serving her emotional needs. As soon as something shinier comes along she'll be gone. Stop wasting your time and emotions and get out of there.


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## Buckaroo93 (Nov 17, 2015)

And she wants us to get married.


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## fulldraw74 (Nov 17, 2015)

ryanh487 said:


> *If there are things on her phone she knows you wouldn't approve of and she disrespects you enough to do it anyway and hide it, run. *If you're not her top priority you don't have a relationship, you have an arrangement that is serving her emotional needs. As soon as something shinier comes along she'll be gone. Stop wasting your time and emotions and get out of there.



^ This....


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## dawg2 (Nov 17, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> And on top of of things, last night I asked to see her phone and she absolutely refused. Then she said she deleted things she knew I would not approve of. GEEZ!



Well, you have now answered your question twice.


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## Dog Hunter (Nov 17, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> And on top of of things, last night I asked to see her phone and she absolutely refused. Then she said she deleted things she knew I would not approve of. GEEZ!



Pretty dang clear.  IMHO, she's cheating on you.  Whether it is phyical or emotional.  She is cheating.  Been there and had same thing happening to me.   You need to


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## StriperrHunterr (Nov 17, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> And on top of of things, last night I asked to see her phone and she absolutely refused. Then she said she deleted things she knew I would not approve of. GEEZ!



Yeah, that would be a giant red flag for me. If you were already married I would suggest counseling of some sort, for both of you to work it out together, but since you're not I would suggest you part ways now before it gets more complicated. 

It would be one thing for her to refuse to allow you into the phone, but that she admitted to deleting things you wouldn't approve of means that she knows what those are and can't control her impulses to avoid them out of respect for you.


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## smokey30725 (Nov 17, 2015)

Brother, she sounds like a lost cause. More than likely she's already stepping out on you. Marriage can be tough enough without looking over your shoulder all the time or feeling jealous of any male that your wife is around because he might be her next fling.


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## elfiii (Nov 17, 2015)

> You just slip out the back, Jack
> Make a new plan, Stan
> You don’t need to be coy, Roy
> Just get yourself free
> ...



That's all I got to say about that.


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## Horns (Nov 17, 2015)

Personally I would run as fast as possible away from her


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## Bucky T (Nov 17, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> And she wants us to get married.



Walk away is all I have to say.


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## Bucky T (Nov 17, 2015)

Horns said:


> Personally I would run as fast as possible away from her



Or this..


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## 1gr8bldr (Nov 17, 2015)

I would not marry her if she has secrets.


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## Throwback (Nov 17, 2015)

Imagine what she HASNT told you


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## fireman32 (Nov 17, 2015)

It is time to GIT GONE! Nobody got time for that.


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## T.P. (Nov 17, 2015)

Run, man. And don't look back.


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## madsam (Nov 17, 2015)

Depends on where your heart is. If you love here and want to
be ran through an emotional ringer for a loonnggg time marry
her. 
  You are 48 y.o. I got a feeling you can figure out by now what
a crazy woman can do to a man. Maybe your just as crazy. You 
may deserve each other. If not, Confucius say a persons track
record is hard to change.


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## Hooked On Quack (Nov 17, 2015)

Wow, no brainer.  Kick 'er to the curb.  Some folks just ain't marriage material.


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## Buckaroo93 (Nov 17, 2015)

Nope. No joke.


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## kmckinnie (Nov 17, 2015)

It's your life & we all fall short. This decision is all up to you. 
Good Luck!


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## BROWNING7WSM (Nov 17, 2015)

go with your gut.

good luck either way


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## Flaustin1 (Nov 17, 2015)

been there done that.  If she wont give up the phone, shes got a Jody.  Better run.


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## MudDucker (Nov 18, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> And she wants us to get married.



Sounds to me like she wants a trophy and a future divorce settlement.  I would run, but if you don't run, at least get a prenup that cuts her out if the marriage ends.


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## Buckaroo93 (Nov 18, 2015)

Thanks for all the input guys and gals.


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## bfriendly (Nov 18, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> Thanks for all the input guys and gals.



Either way, there is no doubt this situation simply sucks. I say leave and let time start its magic......its the only thing that heals this type of pain, I know. 
Its a major bummer but it is what it is........and I too have been there and done that. 
One thing I learned when I went through my D was that you have no control over anyone but yourself. I tried to help my ex get help.........mistake that simply put me through the pain longer. 
Time heals and it did for me even though I thought I was gonna die. I literally felt like someone beat me with a 2x4 from head to toe. I couldn't sleep as the mental anguish caused me physical pain.
 When I went to get tested(I recommend you do too)for whatever might have been brought into my house, I told the doctor I couldn't sleep and he gave me some sleep meds. I only used them for about a month, and each day got better with less and less bad days in between..... Another girl(s) came along and made me smile
Time is the answer......time to get away and time to heal
Man I wish you the best


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## jimbo4116 (Nov 21, 2015)

Hooked On Quack said:


> Pics of girlfriend ???



It never fails.

This is the serious question and answer forum.

No reply necessary.


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## K80 (Nov 21, 2015)

You kicked her to the curb yet?  If not what you waiting for?


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## 3ringer (Nov 22, 2015)

Too many women out there to Settle For Less.


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## GunnSmokeer (Nov 23, 2015)

Morally, a single person who has an affair with a married person is a party to the crime. An accomplice and co-conspirator. 
This used to be the legal view, too. Adultery was a crime, and so was fornication. 

The unmarried woman playing with another woman's husband is basically receiving stolen property.


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## Kdad (Nov 23, 2015)

Eject my dear friend, save yourself from a very bad mistake. Move on and be happy in the future. If you're having these thoughts now, they will continue during a marriage. Write it off and rebuild... Good luck.


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## pnome (Nov 23, 2015)

My advice:  You don't have to leave her, but do not marry.   Don't cohabitate either.


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## Uptonongood (Nov 24, 2015)

Your title of this tread was extramarital affairs but the subject of the thread is trust in a partner whom you indicate you don't trust.  It appears you are unsure of what action to take, if any, about the relationship and what that action should be.  From what you've said, you can stay in the relationship as it is, stay in the relationship on certain conditions or leave the relationship.  

Okay, first I always enjoy it when folks tell other folks what they should do in a relationship.  Well, if you follow their advice then you aren't following your own intuition.  I think you probably know what should happen, I think you need support in making that decision, and if it is the wrong choice, well, you will learn from it.  

Do what you think is right for you.  Not sure? Well, not taking no action is also a choice until you make your decision.  

I also wonder what pattern you have in previous marriage/relationships and is this a pattern for you?  If you seem to always find yourself in fragile relationships, maybe it's time to take a look at that.

Good luck on your journey, I know it isn't easy.


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## Matthew6 (Nov 24, 2015)

Dude you need to end this and get a good woman. Run, don't walk.


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## Buckaroo93 (Dec 6, 2015)

Been a while since I replied. For those that asked, I've been divorced twice (got left for other dudes) so I am naturally gun-shy, suspicious and have trust issues. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge. 

Recently, I looked through one of her bank statements (a good while back she said I could) and noticed a Western Union transfer. She SWEARS she knows nothing about it or even how to access WU. Found out today she has an account with them. I said we could look up the account to find out about this "unknown" transfer and she got furious. Said she can handle it "without my help" tomorrow with her bank. I've about had enough of the secrets and lies.


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## Milkman (Dec 6, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> Been a while since I replied. For those that asked, I've been divorced twice (got left for other dudes) so I am naturally gun-shy, suspicious and have trust issues. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.
> 
> Recently, I looked through one of her bank statements (a good while back she said I could) and noticed a Western Union transfer. She SWEARS she knows nothing about it or even how to access WU. Found out today she has an account with them. I said we could look up the account to find out about this "unknown" transfer and she got furious. Said she can handle it "without my help" tomorrow with her bank. I've about had enough of the secrets and lies.



Congrats on the decision


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## glynr329 (Dec 6, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> Been a while since I replied. For those that asked, I've been divorced twice (got left for other dudes) so I am naturally gun-shy, suspicious and have trust issues. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.
> 
> Recently, I looked through one of her bank statements (a good while back she said I could) and noticed a Western Union transfer. She SWEARS she knows nothing about it or even how to access WU. Found out today she has an account with them. I said we could look up the account to find out about this "unknown" transfer and she got furious. Said she can handle it "without my help" tomorrow with her bank. I've about had enough of the secrets and lies.



I honestly feel sorry for you and would hate to be in your shoes. There is no way you can trust her and she is or has probably cheated on you. If you want to keep her then good luck but don't put anything in her name you want to keep. Good luck and trust me there is a lot of women out there.


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## srb (Dec 6, 2015)

*This..*



glynr329 said:


> I honestly feel sorry for you and would hate to be in your shoes. There is no way you can trust her and she is or has probably cheated on you. If you want to keep her then good luck but don't put anything in her name you want to keep. Good luck and trust me there is a lot of women out there.



To much for you to loose:::You will be better off in the long run....Get far far away from her:::


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## Gadestroyer74 (Dec 6, 2015)

srb said:


> To much for you to loose:::You will be better off in the long run....Get far far away from her:::



This ! Run it till cost you more grief later than you will ever have now. Once a liar and cheat usually always . Trust is the most Important part of any relationship or marriage. You sir have zero with her


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## Fuzzy D Fellers (Dec 8, 2015)

People can change maybe she was telling you because she has changed.


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## elfiii (Dec 8, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> I've about had enough of the secrets and lies.



It's way past time to give her the old heave ho.


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## NCHillbilly (Dec 8, 2015)

I think you've already answered your own question several times in this thread. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without it, there is no relationship.


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## basstrkr (Dec 9, 2015)

*Cheater*

She told about this so that she can later say to herself"well I told him is was needy and that it happened beorfre and so I'm not to blame." Like in "its his fault cause he trusted me."  RUN!>


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## BigCats (Dec 9, 2015)

Be more time to hunt if it were me she would be on the curb, you already know it just gotta come to reality with it. Been there done it


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## pine floor (Dec 9, 2015)

Run, Run,Run, Run Faster, Faster,Faster, get YOUR DRIFT. You already answered  your question. Been there done that. Be honest with your self!!!!!!


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## Dr. Strangelove (Dec 9, 2015)

Buckaroo93 said:


> Been a while since I replied. For those that asked, I've been divorced twice (got left for other dudes) so I am naturally gun-shy, suspicious and have trust issues. It doesn't take much to send me over the edge.
> Recently, I looked through one of her bank statements (a good while back she said I could) and noticed a Western Union transfer. She SWEARS she knows nothing about it or even how to access WU. Found out today she has an account with them. I said we could look up the account to find out about this "unknown" transfer and she got furious. Said she can handle it "without my help" tomorrow with her bank. I've about had enough of the secrets and lies.



If it gets to the point I'm checking phones and bank statements, I'm done because there is no trust at that point.


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## WGSNewnan (Dec 10, 2015)

I once had a dog.
He bit my neighbor and hurt him real bad.
I kept that dog instead of putting him down.
Every time someone came to the house, I was worried he would bite them too.
I soon got rid of the dog.
I felt much better when I got a new dog.

Good Luck.


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