# How to support someone;



## 1gr8bldr (Jun 8, 2012)

Been doing alot of thinking. My wifes friend is not doing well with stage 4 cancer. This subject comes up often lately, which has got me to thinking, How do you support someone going through this? My wife has experienced cancer, breast cancer survivor. More charming than ever. She learned alot about what to say or more, what not to say. She got so tired of everybody dropping by her office to ask how she was in one breath and then tell a 30 minute story about a friend they know who had cancer. This was burdensome. She is careful not to dump her story on the many who have since gone through what she did. But she is having a hard time  showing support for her friend. We suspect that she does not feel like having anyone come visit. In a time like this, do you wish to see anyone except your immediate family. I suspect that she considers my wife  one of, if not her best friend. I wish I could ofer advice, yet I'm no help. I ponder over what her husband must be going through. Trying to support her as well as the teenage kids. So I guess I'm fishing for thoughts, thinking that someone might say something that helps or spurs me into figuring out how to support someone in this situation. For future hardships as well as advice to my wife. I believe that they are agnostic. Believing in a higher power, yet not involved in organized religion. I had much prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation. That is why I posted here. They are "agnostic". I very much would like to hear from the non religious, interested in their thoughts as well  about this.


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## ted_BSR (Jun 9, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> Been doing alot of thinking. My wifes friend is not doing well with stage 4 cancer. This subject comes up often lately, which has got me to thinking, How do you support someone going through this? My wife has experienced cancer, breast cancer survivor. More charming than ever. She learned alot about what to say or more, what not to say. She got so tired of everybody dropping by her office to ask how she was in one breath and then tell a 30 minute story about a friend they know who had cancer. This was burdensome. She is careful not to dump her story on the many who have since gone through what she did. But she is having a hard time  showing support for her friend. We suspect that she does not feel like having anyone come visit. In a time like this, do you wish to see anyone except your immediate family. I suspect that she considers my wife  one of, if not her best friend. I wish I could ofer advice, yet I'm no help. I ponder over what her husband must be going through. Trying to support her as well as the teenage kids. So I guess I'm fishing for thoughts, thinking that someone might say something that helps or spurs me into figuring out how to support someone in this situation. For future hardships as well as advice to my wife. I believe that they are agnostic. Believing in a higher power, yet not involved in organized religion. I had much prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation. That is why I posted here. They are "agnostic". I very much would like to hear from the non religious, interested in their thoughts as well  about this.



Sorry Bro, and sorry because I am religious and responding. My Mom had stage 4 breast cancer 3 years ago. She still survives! She has several friends that are going through similar circumstances. Her approach is to tell them that she is there to help when they need it. "Call me if you need me." There are so many little things that she can help with, but she waits until they call, and then she is there. Kind of like an angel!

You can't treat your friend like they are a cancer patient; you have to treat them like they are your friend...

The cancer and whatever you can do for them is secondary. Watch over and pray for them. God Bless.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 9, 2012)

ted_BSR said:


> Sorry Bro, and sorry because I am religious and responding. My Mom had stage 4 breast cancer 3 years ago. She still survives! She has several friends that are going through similar circumstances. Her approach is to tell them that she is there to help when they need it. "Call me if you need me." There are so many little things that she can help with, but she waits until they call, and then she is there. Kind of like an angel!
> 
> You can't treat your friend like they are a cancer patient; you have to treat them like they are your friend...
> 
> The cancer and whatever you can do for them is secondary. Watch over and pray for them. God Bless.


I appreciate the response, The religious part I wish to steer clear of is the Heaven/He11 aspect. Hopeing to get responses from all angles


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## hobbs27 (Jun 9, 2012)

I lost my best friend and hunting buddy a year and half ago to colon cancer. He was so stubborn and would not go to the doctor when he first got sick and let that stuff get to him until he collapsed one day and couldn't get up.
 As for what to do, each situation is different, but you have to let them know you are there to help.If they have things that are worrying them...you can handle it would be great. Does her family need fed? what about pet care? Just anything we normally take for granted that she or her family can't take care of right now...even as simple as lawn work.With school out maybe you could take the kids fishing or spend some time with them to get their minds away from whats going on and let her feel the kids are going to be ok.
Just some thoughts without injecting religion...which is personal anyway and has a way of taking care of itself.


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## Four (Jun 11, 2012)

Sometimes you have to get a feel for people. Some people want to talk about it, some people want to talk about anything but it. I will generally keep a conversation as normal as possible unless the person steers it elsewhere.

From my experience, saying your sorry doesn't mean anything, saying "if you need anything, ask" is near meaningless, after all, what can you do? I would mostly just treat them like normal, many times people just want things to be normal. So, sports, carts, hunting, etc are all good. 

You cant make it better, all you can do is try to be a good friend, maybe get them to laugh a bit, or get them to forget the situation for a moment or two...

goodluck.


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## TTom (Jun 11, 2012)

Read the story "The Spoon Theory" by Christine Miserandino, and send it to your friend. It's a short story involving a person with a different but also debilitating illness, explaining how different time and energy management is for people with long term illnesses.

Link to the story:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/a...poon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/


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## Huntinfool (Jun 11, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> I believe that they are agnostic. Believing in a higher power, yet not involved in organized religion. I had much prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation. That is why I posted here. They are "agnostic". I very much would like to hear from the non religious, interested in their thoughts as well  about this.



I don't mean this flippantly.  But, you are a follower of Christ...what is more important to you:  their emotional comfort here on earth and not offending them or their eternal security in what you KNOW to be the truth and sharing the gospel with a dieing woman?

Why would one who believes deeply that Christ exists and the he alone is God ever "prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation"...especially when that family has a member who is suffering so deeply?  Who is the great physician?  Who is the wonderful counselor?  Why would you ever ask someone who doesn't believe in Christ how to do what the Word of God already told you to do....mourn with those who mourn.  Show them Christ.

That just doesn't make any sense to me.




I suppose what you can do is BE Jesus for them.  Serve them well and deeply.  Love them, care for them.  Treat them as he would and pray that they might some day ask you why you did what you did for them.  Most importantly...mourn with them as they go through this.  Keep Christ out of it if you want.  But I honestly have to question you on this as a brother.  Is the question you're asking God honoring?


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 11, 2012)

hobbs27 said:


> I lost my best friend and hunting buddy a year and half ago to colon cancer. He was so stubborn and would not go to the doctor when he first got sick and let that stuff get to him until he collapsed one day and couldn't get up.
> As for what to do, each situation is different, but you have to let them know you are there to help.If they have things that are worrying them...you can handle it would be great. Does her family need fed? what about pet care? Just anything we normally take for granted that she or her family can't take care of right now...even as simple as lawn work.With school out maybe you could take the kids fishing or spend some time with them to get their minds away from whats going on and let her feel the kids are going to be ok.
> Just some thoughts without injecting religion...which is personal anyway and has a way of taking care of itself.


Hello Hobbs, Your post caused me to realize that we had not done a meal lately. At first, my wife was doing meals, but this has been going on for a while, so we have overlooked this in the past month. They were very thankful for the gesture in the past. Not being churched, we suspect that no one else had done so. At this point, this may be the only thing we can do. Thanks for your post


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 11, 2012)

Four said:


> Sometimes you have to get a feel for people. Some people want to talk about it, some people want to talk about anything but it. I will generally keep a conversation as normal as possible unless the person steers it elsewhere.
> 
> From my experience, saying your sorry doesn't mean anything, saying "if you need anything, ask" is near meaningless, after all, what can you do? I would mostly just treat them like normal, many times people just want things to be normal. So, sports, carts, hunting, etc are all good.
> 
> ...


Hello Four, I agree, saying your sorry, if you need anything, is what everyone says. When you only have months left, not even knowing if it will be that much, well, what can anyone say?


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 11, 2012)

Huntinfool said:


> I don't mean this flippantly.  But, you are a follower of Christ...what is more important to you:  their emotional comfort here on earth and not offending them or their eternal security in what you KNOW to be the truth and sharing the gospel with a dieing woman?
> 
> Why would one who believes deeply that Christ exists and the he alone is God ever "prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation"...especially when that family has a member who is suffering so deeply?  Who is the great physician?  Who is the wonderful counselor?  Why would you ever ask someone who doesn't believe in Christ how to do what the Word of God already told you to do....mourn with those who mourn.  Show them Christ.
> 
> ...


Hello Huntinfool, I have to admit that I have pondered this. My wife is close to her, through work, and I know her and her husband, but we don't "hang out" together. Although, I do care about this situation, My reason for posting is not so much for this situation. Seeing my wife wish you could do something made me ponder what if I had a good friend going through this. The religious aspect, is something to think about. Yet, I tend to believe that God would have not left someone's eternal state up to another. To make this even more derailing, I don't believe in this world's view on he11, or eternal torment. I personally would like to protect this lady from anyone who would inject that thought into her already scared, emotional state.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 11, 2012)

For those who have gone through hard times, the loss of a loved one, what do you recall that helped, or maybe just something that meant something. I'll mention something that has forever stuck with me. When my wife was going through chemo for breast cancer, everyone asked, "How is she doing?"  Must have heard it 1000 times. But one person, asked how are you doing? I went on to explain that my wife was doing as well as expected, and he stopped me and said "no, how are YOU doing? It touched me that someone realized that this had been hard on me as well. I don't want to downplay what she went through. She was a tropper. But no one had indicated or acknowledged in any way that I might be having a hard time dealing with this. This guy just happened to be in prison. He was "on the yard" as I was visiting one day.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 11, 2012)

I have another; I went through 52 weeks of a old chemo drug for hep  that came from a blood product before they started screening for this. I managed to work through it. In the prime of my life, loosing 35lbs. A humbling experience. Was highly involved in church at the time. No one, not even my mother or father, although they would have if I asked, ever asked how I was doing financially. Loss of work, bills piling up. No one from church, family or friends, yet this one guy who I rarely saw more than once a month, a friend of a family member, who had spent more time at the licquor store than church, asked if he could help out with any money issues. Thank God, we were doing OK, so I could not accept his thoughtful gesture. I will always remember who it was that "was my neighbor".


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## fish hawk (Jun 11, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> I have another; I went through 52 weeks of a old chemo drug for hep  that came from a blood product before they started screening for this. I managed to work through it. In the prime of my life, loosing 35lbs. A humbling experience. Was highly involved in church at the time. No one, not even my mother or father, although they would have if I asked, ever asked how I was doing financially. Loss of work, bills piling up. No one from church, family or friends, yet this one guy who I rarely saw more than once a month, a friend of a family member, who had spent more time at the licquor store than church, asked if he could help out with any money issues. Thank God, we were doing OK, so I could not accept his thoughtful gesture. I will always remember who it was that "was my neighbor".


Humbling indeed!!!Not all churches are like that though 1gr8blder...My daughter was addicted to pain medication,had it not been for the support of our church family there would have been no way we could have sent her to the top notch rehab center that she went to.....She's been drug free for over a year now and will be getting married in August,were very proud of her.I do understand where your coming from though,finding a good Godly church with good Godly people that genuinely care can be a challenge.Sorry about the religious overtones,but it was something i had to say......I hope your wife's friend can pull through this,the best thing you can do is just offer your support,tell them your praying for them and ask  if there's anything you can do,sometimes it may just be an ear to listen or taking a meal to the family!!!


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## ambush80 (Jun 11, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> Hello Huntinfool, I have to admit that I have pondered this. My wife is close to her, through work, and I know her and her husband, but we don't "hang out" together. Although, I do care about this situation, My reason for posting is not so much for this situation. Seeing my wife wish you could do something made me ponder what if I had a good friend going through this. The religious aspect, is something to think about. Yet, I tend to believe that God would have not left someone's eternal state up to another. To make this even more derailing, I don't believe in this world's view on he11, or eternal torment. I personally would like to protect this lady from anyone who would inject that thought into her already scared, emotional state.



Good man.


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## ambush80 (Jun 11, 2012)

Huntinfool said:


> I don't mean this flippantly.  But, you are a follower of Christ...what is more important to you:  their emotional comfort here on earth and not offending them or their eternal security in what you KNOW to be the truth and sharing the gospel with a dieing woman?
> 
> Why would one who believes deeply that Christ exists and the he alone is God ever "prefer that we keep religion out of the conversation"...especially when that family has a member who is suffering so deeply?  Who is the great physician?  Who is the wonderful counselor?  Why would you ever ask someone who doesn't believe in Christ how to do what the Word of God already told you to do....mourn with those who mourn.  Show them Christ.
> 
> ...




Imagine a Muslim coming up to your wife on her death bed and making that kind of a pitch.  Shame, shame, shame......


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## fish hawk (Jun 12, 2012)

ambush80 said:


> Imagine a Muslim coming up to your wife on her death bed and making that kind of a pitch.  Shame, shame, shame......



I guess it depends on whether or not they speak Arabic......and why is she on her death bed already?My sister in law had stage 4 cancer,but now,miraculously, she is cancer free!!!


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## Huntinfool (Jun 12, 2012)

ambush80 said:


> Imagine a Muslim coming up to your wife on her death bed and making that kind of a pitch.  Shame, shame, shame......



I can't because #1, I wouldn't let him and #2, she wouldn't either.  She knows the one true God.  

What concerns me is that, for a Christian, the single greatest concern for someone should be their salvation.  But that doesn't appear to be the case here.  It seems as though her comfort in being lost is more important and that just doesn't make sense to me.

I didn't suggest that he go in there and smack her over the head with the biggest Bible he can find, stand on a pulpit and start preaching fire and brimstone to her.  In fact, if you'll go read what I said...I suggested that the most important thing he can do is just what the Bible tells him to do...mourn with her and her family.  They don't need to hear stories about his experience with cancer.  They need to know that he grieves with them.  

But I just don't understand how a Christian can have the mentality that it is, somehow, more important to make sure that she's comfortable in her sin.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 12, 2012)

Huntinfool said:


> I can't because #1, I wouldn't let him and #2, she wouldn't either.  She knows the one true God.
> 
> What concerns me is that, for a Christian, the single greatest concern for someone should be their salvation.  But that doesn't appear to be the case here.  It seems as though her comfort in being lost is more important and that just doesn't make sense to me.
> 
> ...


Hello Huntinfool, I respect your view on the matter, it's just that I did not explain the situation to the greatest detail. My wife had discussions about this long before she found out that she had this. Her husband is atheist, daughter is Christian and son, I'm not sure, but the lady is agnostic. She has heard the gospel. To go tell her now, is in a sense, an effort to change her mind. Sharing my belief with someone is not hard, but this I would only do if they were interested in knowing, but trying to change someone's mind is another thing .


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 12, 2012)

Thanks for the opinions, spurred me to ponder over thoughts that I might not have had without some help. Keep them coming. Mostly for future situations. The sad thing now is that she won't take calls from my wife at this point. Her husband keeps us informed. She is to sick. Her body functions are shutting down.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 12, 2012)

fish hawk said:


> Humbling indeed!!!Not all churches are like that though 1gr8blder...My daughter was addicted to pain medication,had it not been for the support of our church family there would have been no way we could have sent her to the top notch rehab center that she went to.....She's been drug free for over a year now and will be getting married in August,were very proud of her.I do understand where your coming from though,finding a good Godly church with good Godly people that genuinely care can be a challenge.Sorry about the religious overtones,but it was something i had to say......I hope your wife's friend can pull through this,the best thing you can do is just offer your support,tell them your praying for them and ask  if there's anything you can do,sometimes it may just be an ear to listen or taking a meal to the family!!!


Glad to hear good news.


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 12, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> I have another; I went through 52 weeks of a old chemo drug for hep  that came from a blood product before they started screening for this. I managed to work through it. In the prime of my life, loosing 35lbs. A humbling experience. Was highly involved in church at the time. No one, not even my mother or father, although they would have if I asked, ever asked how I was doing financially. Loss of work, bills piling up. No one from church, family or friends, yet this one guy who I rarely saw more than once a month, a friend of a family member, who had spent more time at the licquor store than church, asked if he could help out with any money issues. Thank God, we were doing OK, so I could not accept his thoughtful gesture. I will always remember who it was that "was my neighbor".


I would like to point out that I never expected anything from anyone. It was only after the generous offer that it crossed my mind that he was the only one.


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## Six million dollar ham (Jun 12, 2012)

Huntinfool said:


> Who is the great physician?



What is meant by this term?  Surely it's not a reference to Jesus Christ as it relates to sickness is it?  If so, I can't imagine a worse physician, unless you're looking at it from Jack Kevorkian's perspective.


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## stringmusic (Jun 13, 2012)

Six million dollar ham said:


> What is meant by this term? * Surely it's not a reference to Jesus Christ as it relates to sickness is it?*  If so, I can't imagine a worse physician, unless you're looking at it from Jack Kevorkian's perspective.



Sure it is, just not the Jesus Christ you're thinking of and not necessarily the sickness you're thinking of.


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## fish hawk (Jun 14, 2012)

Strange that it's been mostly Christians that have responded to this thread.Four had some useful advice,but ambush and six dollar Ham,not so much,just another opportunity to attack Christians and what they believe.There's other threads for that!!!dont you think?


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## Kapsha (Jun 23, 2012)

I think it's the simple things, as stated earlier that really have an impact on someone. One of my very good friends lost her young son a couple of years ago. I knew she had many people trying to talk to her and comfort her. I took a different approach. I sat quietly, not asking 100 questions like a lot of the other well meaning people did. I just listened. I let her lead the conversation. We discussed whatever she wanted to. There were times when I would surprise them with a meal. I knew the last thing they needed to worry about was cooking. I did not stay when I took the food. I smiled at her, gave her a huge hug, and told her to enjoy. I then made a quick exit.

Many months later she expressed her gratitude of the things I mentioned above. I know this is not the same exact situation, however being there for someone in a difficult time can be, well difficult.

I am not of the opinion that her salvation needs to be discussed. That is between her and God and no one else. 

Good luck to you~


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## Artfuldodger (Jun 23, 2012)

My sister tried witnessing to someone who had just lost a daughter. The person got offended as in, "who are you to question my salvation or where I stand with God?"


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 23, 2012)

I think that after much air time here at woodys, it has become clear that in a time like this, no one knows what to say. Religious or otherwise.


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## Artfuldodger (Jun 23, 2012)

1gr8bldr said:


> I think that after much air time here at woodys, it has become clear that in a time like this, no one knows what to say. Religious or otherwise.



Yep, you're right. Usually it'd better to just listen.


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## Six million dollar ham (Jun 25, 2012)

fish hawk said:


> Strange that it's been mostly Christians that have responded to this thread.Four had some useful advice,but ambush and six dollar Ham,not so much,just another opportunity to attack Christians and what they believe.There's other threads for that!!!dont you think?



Have you reported these attacks to the moderators?  At any rate, no, I don't think "there's other threads for that" as it would be inappropriate to attack Christians.  But then again, what are you looking for in the atheist/agnostic forum?  I think you're just trolling.


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## Six million dollar ham (Jun 25, 2012)

stringmusic said:


> Sure it is, just not the Jesus Christ you're thinking of and not necessarily the sickness you're thinking of.



To which Jesus Christ do you refer exactly?


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## 1gr8bldr (Jun 29, 2012)

A problem arises when you don't know what to say. Can you encourage when the truth holds no hope? You tend to pull away because you don't know what to say. This you don't wish to do. Early on, you encourage by saying you will beat this thing. Do you falsely keep this up? Knowing that it is a matter of time? Or would you change your mindset, asking if they have anything they can take care of? Or any request for the future, maybe involving the kids? In other words, do you act as though they will get over this, or  do you act as if they are dying? At this point, the morphine is not much relief from the pain?


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## 1gr8bldr (Jul 1, 2012)

I was hopeing that someone might be able to share their experience of what helped. I wonder if we have not had much input because it is to painful, or that, rarely does anything we do or say help?


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## Ronnie T (Jul 1, 2012)

After a few decades of dealing with people who are hours away from cancer surgery; or are recuperating from cancer surgery; or are going through chemo and radiation; or have learned that their cancer cannot be treated, please believe me when I share with you some things that ill people get very tired of hearing.

1.  They don't want a whiney little hug and a soft "I'm so so sorry that you're having to deal with this devastating desease".
2.  "God bless you cause I know this has to be awful hard on you and your children".
3.  "We're all praying they there's going to be a 'good' end to all this you're going through".
4.  "We've all been so worried about you".

I know someone who's infant child died 2 years ago and people are still coming up to her with tears in their eyes hugging her neck.  They're idiot's for doing something like that.  Idiot's.  She hates the people that do it.

Remember, when someone is dealing with devastation in life, their close family will cry with them.  They need you to put a smile on their face.  They need you to share your life with them.  Cheer them up rather than pulling scabbs off their wounds.

If someone's going through chem treatments, ask them if they need your help in getting to their chemo appointments each day or each week.

If someone has had cancer surgery, ask them if they are resting well.  "Are you taking your pain meds the way you should?"  Have some casual conversation with them.  Sit quitely for 2 or 3 minutes to see if they want to talk about something.  If not, you get up and go mow their grass.

People need your smiles, not your whines.

I hear it all the time.  People who don't want to go out and socialize.  Why?  They are sick and tired of people whining over them.  They want your pat on the back, not your tears.  They've already shed enough of them.


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## Asath (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, nothing personal, fellas, but as threads go, this one seems to belong somewhere in the realm of ‘Testaments, and Prayers.’  No disrespect intended to anyone – we’ve all lost our share of loved ones, some more than others, and we certainly understand the pain and anguish.  It is terribly difficult, and heartbreaking.  There are no words that can compensate, though many try to keep talking when silent reflection and honest memory end up being the only genuine and useful reactions.

A death sentence, given by the doctors, and beyond their ability to cure, is perhaps the worst situation of all – not only are they helpless in the face of an inevitability, but the situation renders us powerless as well – we can’t DO anything to help, and there is no worse frustration than that.  We spend a lifetime developing our skills and powers for the sole purpose of defending and protecting our loved ones, then run head-long into something that simply CAN’T be fixed.  Not by us, not by anyone.  

Life is a great thing, right up until then – the realization that it has only one conclusion.  And never the one we imagined, or were promised, or wish for ours.

A sad situation, all around, but inappropriate for this forum – we can offer our best hopes and wishes, but they have even less impact here, to ‘Believers,’ than the same appeal for support and sympathy would have in the forums above, where actually heartfelt Prayers may be on offer.  Here we can only understand, and sympathize, and offer our commiseration, as fellow humans, but if you ask for more the sad truth is that the best that one can do for the terminally ill is to listen closely (they wish to tell their story), relieve their pain (nearly all terminal illness involves unimaginable suffering), and promise them that they will not die alone or unremembered.

I wish that I could tell you that it is different than that for Believers than for non-Believers, but it just isn’t.


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## Ronnie T (Jul 2, 2012)

Most terminally ill people never truly believe they are terminal.  And for good reason.  There are a lot of terminally ill cancer patients who are cancer free and working today.

And I'll just mention two ladies whom I'm acquainted with.

One is 92 years old who only recently agreed to hip replacement surgery after her doctor told the family that she might not survive the surgery.  She actually had the surgery hoping that she would die.  Now she's a little upset to still be here....  She wants to go on home and be with her Lord.

The other is my MIL.  She's 84 and seems to be obsessed with dying.  She says she's waited long enough.  She aggravates us all the time cause she doesn't want to go to a doctor or take meds.


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