# Gotta be joking.



## SemperFiDawg (Oct 9, 2014)

Two old friends are fishing in a boat on the lake.

Guy n the front says " I think I'm gonna ask my wife fer a divorce."

Guy in the back says "Why?  Y'all been married 25 year."

Guy in the front says " Well.... She ain't spoke to me in 6 months."

Guy in the back pauses, scratches his beard, spits some tobacco juice over the side and says ". Uhhhh you might want to rethink that rite dere.  Women like that hard to come bye these days."


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## ambush80 (Oct 9, 2014)

The woman I dated before I dated my wife was quiiiiiet.....

Wonder what she's doing these days?


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## StriperrHunterr (Oct 9, 2014)

Did ya'll hear the one about the Catholic, Protestant, and Agnostic in a boat together?


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## JB0704 (Oct 9, 2014)

StripeRR HunteRR said:


> Did ya'll hear the one about the Catholic, Protestant, and Agnostic in a boat together?



Go ahead.......


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## SemperFiDawg (Oct 9, 2014)

ambush80 said:


> The woman I dated before I dated my wife was quiiiiiet.....
> 
> Wonder what she's doing these days?



Prolly taken.  Missed your chance.


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## SemperFiDawg (Oct 9, 2014)

StripeRR HunteRR said:


> Did ya'll hear the one about the Catholic, Protestant, and Agnostic in a boat together?



That all depends on your definition of "boat".


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## StriperrHunterr (Oct 9, 2014)

So they're all 3 in the boat out in the middle of the lake. The agnostic says, "I'll bet you guys I can get out of this boat, walk 5 paces, and get back in."

The other two tell him to go ahead. 

So the agnostic gets out of the boat, walks 5 paces on water, and gets back in. 

Protestant: Well, if a non-believer can do that, surely I, a man of faith, can do the same. 

So the protestant gets out, walks his 5 paces, and gets back in unscathed. 

Catholic: Well, if you two can do it, surely I, a man of Peter's church, can do the same. 

The Catholic steps out of the boat, and sinks straight to the bottom. 

Agnostic: Do you think we should have told him about the rocks we walked on?


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## JB0704 (Oct 9, 2014)

Not bad.

I don't know if I know any religious jokes that would translate well in writing........


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## ambush80 (Oct 9, 2014)

SemperFiDawg said:


> Prolly taken.  Missed your chance.




Ah,well.  She was almost too quiet.  And she wanted to do whatever I wanted to do all the time.  And she loaded primers for me while she watched Ali McBeal.


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## TripleXBullies (Oct 10, 2014)

.... So you're saying she was really a man?


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## stringmusic (Oct 10, 2014)

Funny stuff guys


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## stringmusic (Oct 10, 2014)

SemperFiDawg said:


> That all depends on your definition of "boat".





ambush80 said:


> Ah,well.  She was almost too quiet.  And she wanted to do whatever I wanted to do all the time.  And she loaded primers for me while she watched Ali McBeal.



These two were especially funny.


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## ambush80 (Oct 10, 2014)

TripleXBullies said:


> .... So you're saying she was really a man?




Oh, you like to watch Ali McBeal while you hand load like she did, too?


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## TripleXBullies (Oct 10, 2014)

Fifth


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## Asath (Oct 15, 2014)

Courtesy of Emo Phillips:

     I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
     "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well . . . are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."  I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"  I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die heretic scum", and pushed him off.


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## 660griz (Oct 15, 2014)

In the beginning, there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light!" There was still nothing but, you could see it. 
---Ellen D. (I think)


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## JB0704 (Oct 15, 2014)

Asath said:


> Courtesy of Emo Phillips:
> 
> I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
> "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well . . . are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."  I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"  I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die heretic scum", and pushed him off.





Been a while, Asath......you back?


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## ambush80 (Oct 15, 2014)

Asath said:


> Courtesy of Emo Phillips:
> 
> I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
> "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well . . . are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."  I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"  I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God."  I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die heretic scum", and pushed him off.





JB0704 said:


> Been a while, Asath......you back?



Who's this guy?


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## TripleXBullies (Oct 15, 2014)

This isn't religious, but I crack up every time.. I guess I am easily amused. It also doesn't translate well to type...


Why can you never tell if a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?

The P is silent.


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## WaltL1 (Oct 15, 2014)

TripleXBullies said:


> This isn't religious, but I crack up every time.. I guess I am easily amused. It also doesn't translate well to type...
> 
> 
> Why can you never tell if a pterodactyl is using the bathroom?
> ...


Yup you're easily amused


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## 1gr8bldr (Oct 15, 2014)

I was walking along the beach one day, looking for my wife when I noticed a man looking around. We both noticed that the other was doing the same. I said "what are you doing?" He said that he was a baptist preacher and that he was looking for his wife. I said me too. He said what does she look like? I said, Blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned skin, very shapely, big breast. What does your wife look like? He said never mind her, I'll help you look for yours.


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## WaltL1 (Oct 15, 2014)

ambush80 said:


> Who's this guy?


The joke he posted is only the tip of the iceberg I assure you.  You'll like him.


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## 1gr8bldr (Oct 15, 2014)

1gr8bldr said:


> I was walking along the beach one day, looking for my wife when I noticed a man looking around. We both noticed that the other was doing the same. I said "what are you doing?" He said that he was a baptist preacher and that he was looking for his wife. I said me too. He said what does she look like? I said, Blonde hair, blue eyes, tanned skin, very shapely, big breast. What does your wife look like? He said never mind her, I'll help you look for yours.


I tell this one thinking of my neighbor.... he told me about a particular church he went to for about two years. He was mad that the preacher always knew his wife's name, her being very beautiful, but never remembered his name. LOL, he was serious


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## WaltL1 (Oct 15, 2014)

1gr8bldr said:


> I tell this one thinking of my neighbor.... he told me about a particular church he went to for about two years. He was mad that the preacher always knew his wife's name, her being very beautiful, but never remembered his name. LOL, he was serious


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## Rebel 6 (Oct 15, 2014)

If you're gonna take any Baptists fishing with you, should you take one or two of them?

Two.

If you take one, he will drink ALL of your beer.  If you take two, NEITHER will touch your beer.


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## Milkman (Oct 15, 2014)

Very few know it but Hades and Heaven have a common border.  There is a very sturdy fence along that border.

One day St. Peter was walking along the fence and found there were holes in it allowing some souls to escape from Hades into Heaven.

St. Peter contacted Satan and asked that he make arrangements to assist with fence repair. Satan refused.  St. Peter insisted. Satan refused adamantly. 

St. Peter was quite distraught and threatened Satan that Heaven would be suing him for 50% of the fence repair cost.  Satan laughed aloud at St. Peter then said good luck, 

....

...

...

...

...

where are you going to find a lawyer ??


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## TripleXBullies (Oct 16, 2014)

Rebel 6 said:


> If you're gonna take any Baptists fishing with you, should you take one or two of them?
> 
> Two.
> 
> If you take one, he will drink ALL of your beer.  If you take two, NEITHER will touch your beer.



Short and sweet!


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## Asath (Oct 16, 2014)

"Been a while, Asath......you back?"

Back, forth, to, fro . . . Never really been gone, actually, just decided to sit on the stage and enjoy watching the audience for a spell.  

Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?  Went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. 
 Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I’ll grant you three wishes, Master." 
 The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you."
 The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. 
 The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this."
 The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. 
 "What about your third wish?" asks the genie. 
 "Well," says the atheist, "I wish for a billion dollars." 
 The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. 
 "What’s wrong?" asks the atheist.
 The genie shrugs and says, "Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist."

You see, it is, in the end, just for fun.  Just getting through life is hard enough, but far easier than also having to pretend that you know how.  Pretenses are shabby things that, like papier-mache houses, have to be energetically maintained or they will dissolve. Who has time for that?  Remember, if you can't fund anything funny about it, it probably isn't true.

In related news, 17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted this week after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.


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## JB0704 (Oct 16, 2014)

Good stuff asath, the Middle East atheist one gave me a good laugh.


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## gemcgrew (Oct 17, 2014)

I grew up in the deep south and was exposed to "The ordination of Uncle Zeke" at an early age. Uncle Zeke gets the stories of the Bible mixed up.

Google it.


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## Asath (Oct 18, 2014)

A man went to heaven and was being shown around by St. Peter. 
As they went from cloud to cloud they came to various doors which 
St. Peter would open. One showed a large group rolling on the floor
and talking in tongues.  "Our Pentecostals" he said..
  Next was a serious ritual. "Our Jewish persuasion" he replied.
 Then another ritualistic service. "Our Catholics".
 At the next cloud, he didn't open the door but instead put his 
forefinger to his lips in the hush motion and they both tip toed 
past.. Once past, the man asked what that was all about !?
  "Those are the Baptists", he explained. "They think they are the
only one's here".

  It is WAY too quiet in here.  Can't a fella even provoke a sectarian Joke War?  Humor is little but a slice of truth exaggerated, a gentle and good-natured poke at the foibles and follies of humanity.  If we have nothing else in common, all of us can smile (with the possible exception of the Episcopalians, who can only smile in derision when someone uses the wrong fork).  I even saw an Amish person laugh once, but that was because they saw a car wreck, and I heard a story that a Jehovah's Witness was once caught smirking when someone offered them a cup of coffee.

Here's a quote from our native son, the humorist Mark Twain: " It is plain that there is one moral law for heaven and another for earth.  The pulpit assures us that wherever we see suffering and sorrow, which we can relieve and do not do it, we sin, heavily. There was never a case of suffering or sorrow which God could not relieve. Does He sin, then? If He is the Source of Morals He does --certainly nothing can be plainer than that, you will admit. Surely the Source of law cannot violate law and stand unsmirched; surely the judge upon the bench cannot forbid crime and then revel in it himself unreproached. Nevertheless we have this curious spectacle: daily the trained parrot in the pulpit gravely delivers himself of these ironies, which he has acquired at second hand and adopted without examination, to a trained congregation which accepts them without examination, and neither the speaker nor the hearer laughs at himself."   Funny stuff there.  That Sam Clemens was one darned funny fellow.        

How do you know that Adam was a Baptist?
Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

You see, the basis of the joke is that is isn't a joke.  Folks still believe this ancient superstitious nonsense, and act accordingly.  Apart from the fact that it is frightening, once you look at the long view, it really is quite funny, in a sad sort of way.

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club? It features full facial nudity!

See? You can laugh. At them.  What makes you different?


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## gemcgrew (Oct 18, 2014)

asath said:


> see? You can laugh. At them.  What makes you different?


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## Asath (Oct 18, 2014)

Ah!  Mockery.  The primitive, thoughtless beginning of humor, but without the intelligent content.  But any fool can jape at what he does not wish to understand.  Should there be an actual point to be made, one that is informed, well thought, and perhaps defensible intellectually, you are welcome to rejoin the discussion, sir.  Don't you know any jokes?  This is a humor thread, after all.


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## Israel (Oct 18, 2014)

du bwanna akagane, di usurbo lito fugratae.
Nijei podnaro li stubene.
LOL.
I know it's not dipribo to laugh at one's jokes, but I liforto myself up every time I tell it.
Kuhabe?


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## gemcgrew (Oct 18, 2014)

Asath said:


> This is a humor thread, after all.


Humor is there... whether it reveals itself to you or not.


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## drippin' rock (Oct 18, 2014)

Asath said:


> Ah!  Mockery.  The primitive, thoughtless beginning of humor, but without the intelligent content.  But any fool can jape at what he does not wish to understand.  Should there be an actual point to be made, one that is informed, well thought, and perhaps defensible intellectually, you are welcome to rejoin the discussion, sir.  Don't you know any jokes?  This is a humor thread, after all.



This is a light hearted thread.  Just jokes from both sides.  I believe you are the first proselytize, so you have to expect the rebuttal. Chill.


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## gemcgrew (Oct 18, 2014)

What is an insomniac, dyslexic, Agnostic?

One who stays awake all nite long wondering if there really is a Dog.


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## Asath (Oct 18, 2014)

Rebuttal?  Now THAT"S funny.  Probably the best joke so far.


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## gemcgrew (Oct 20, 2014)

How many futurist does it take to change a light bulb?

They all sit in the dark... waiting.


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## ambush80 (Oct 20, 2014)

A rich man with a terminal illness decides to fill a suitcase with all the gold he has accumulated and bring it with him to Heaven.  When he gets to the Pearly gates huffing and puffing, dragging his suitcase behind him, St. Peter asks "Whatcha got in there?"  The man replies "All the gold I acquired on Earth."  St. Peter turns to the Heavenly hosts and laughs.  "Hey Y'all.  Look at this jerk.  He came all the way here dragging a suitcase full of pavers."


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## mtnwoman (Oct 21, 2014)

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 

"It is" 

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 

"I can" 

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" 

"I do" 

"Is he a member of your congregation?" 

"He is" 

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 

"He will".


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## SemperFiDawg (Oct 27, 2014)

Asath said:


> Ah!  Mockery.  The primitive, thoughtless beginning of humor, but without the intelligent content.  But any fool can jape at what he does not wish to understand.  Should there be an actual point to be made, one that is informed, well thought, and perhaps defensible intellectually, you are welcome to rejoin the discussion, sir.  Don't you know any jokes?  This is a humor thread, after all.


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