# Babylon Bee



## centerpin fan (Jun 19, 2017)

Anybody else as amused by this as I am?  One small sample:

_HOUSTON, TX—Stating the new product was the result of years of scholarship and intense personal study, popular Bible teacher Joel Osteen on Friday announced the release of his new Joel Osteen Study Bible, a copy of the Scriptures that contains over 30,000 detailed study notes that just say “Believe in yourself.”_

http://babylonbee.com/news/new-joel-osteen-study-bible-contains-30000-notes-just-say-believe/


The Rob Bell section is hee-larious:

http://babylonbee.com/?s=rob+bell


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## j_seph (Jun 19, 2017)

There are Preachers, then there are Teachers, then there are "Authors".

1 John 4:1


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## hobbs27 (Jun 19, 2017)

I follow the BB on fb. Love it.

This is the last one I shared.

http://babylonbee.com/news/woman-stretching-altar-call-accidentally-accepts-christ/


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## rjcruiser (Jun 20, 2017)

It's hilarious and sad at the same time.


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## SemperFiDawg (Jun 20, 2017)

rjcruiser said:


> It's hilarious and sad at the same time.



Pretty sure it's all satire and no truth.  Funny though.


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## centerpin fan (Jun 20, 2017)

rjcruiser said:


> It's hilarious and sad at the same time.



Case in point:


_HUNTINGTON BEACH, CA—According to sources close to author and speaker Rob Bell, the ex-pastor has finally denied the last remaining doctrine of the Christian faith he had not already mounted an all-out assault against.

Bell had been scraping the bottom of the barrel of doctrines to disown for months, according to sources, before denying the final one at long last Tuesday morning while waxing his surfboard near the Huntington Beach pier.

“Welp, I guess that about covers ’em. I can’t believe I ran through all of them already. What am I supposed to do with all this free time now?” Bell reportedly said to his surfing buddy right after posting a Tweet denying the resurrection of Christ using his smartphone. “End of an era, that’s for sure.”

“I mean, I’ll have more time for surfing and chillin’ with Oprah, I suppose, so that’s a bonus,” Bell added as he finished strapping his surfboard’s leash onto his ankle.

At publishing time, Bell had confirmed his conversion to Islam, so he’d have a whole new set of beliefs to eventually deny._


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## SemperFiDawg (Jun 20, 2017)

OMG!!!!  Where have I been to have missed the Babylon Bee.  It's hilarious

My favorite today:
http://babylonbee.com/news/holy-spirit-unable-move-congregation-fog-machine-breaks/

This could literally happen in the Church my sons attend.


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## centerpin fan (Jun 20, 2017)

It's MINE.  Don't even bother bidding on it:

_U.S.—A new eBay listing confirmed Tuesday that the Apostle Paul’s leather-bound edition of the King James Bible—the only translation he was known to use—is at long last up for auction._

http://babylonbee.com/news/apostle-pauls-king-james-bible-auction/


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## hobbs27 (Jun 20, 2017)

centerpin fan said:


> It's MINE.  Don't even bother bidding on it:
> 
> _U.S.—A new eBay listing confirmed Tuesday that the Apostle Paul’s leather-bound edition of the King James Bible—the only translation he was known to use—is at long last up for auction._
> 
> http://babylonbee.com/news/apostle-pauls-king-james-bible-auction/




Eventually they will get on your toes, no matter who you are.  At least they are fair that way.


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## centerpin fan (Jun 23, 2017)

*Brutal ...*

Rich Young Ruler Finds Home At Lakewood Church

HOUSTON, TX—A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.

Calling the revelation “powerful” and “moving,” the wealthy, powerful lover of money said he knew Lakewood Church was the place for him after his lifestyle was affirmed and praised by lead pastor and famous author Joel Osteen.

“This place just makes me feel so comfortable,” the man told reporters. “I came in and told Pastor Joel I was a good person and had kept all the commandments from my youth, and asked him what I still lacked—and do you know what he said? He told me I didn’t lack anything, that I was great just the way I am.”

The young man further stated that other churches had tried to confront his love of money and challenged him to make Jesus his first priority, and that he had just gone away sad.

“That’s not what Jesus would have done,” he said confidently.

http://babylonbee.com/news/rich-young-ruler-finds-home-lakewood-church/


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## SemperFiDawg (Jun 23, 2017)

centerpin fan said:


> Rich Young Ruler Finds Home At Lakewood Church
> 
> HOUSTON, TX—A rich, young ruler looking for salvation was proud to announce Thursday that he finally found a place to call home at Lakewood Church.
> 
> ...



Made my Friday.


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## SemperFiDawg (Jun 23, 2017)

Better Still

http://babylonbee.com/news/christians-beg-god-not-let-male-rompers-catch-among-worship-leaders/


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## centerpin fan (Jun 23, 2017)

SemperFiDawg said:


> Better Still
> 
> http://babylonbee.com/news/christians-beg-god-not-let-male-rompers-catch-among-worship-leaders/



I think you should trade in your overalls for rompers.


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## Artfuldodger (Jun 23, 2017)

I'm begging God to not let the overall wearers convert to rompers!


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## SemperFiDawg (Jun 23, 2017)

centerpin fan said:


> I think you should trade in your overalls for rompers.



Man!  My wife said, "They kinda look like those overalls you cut off to make shorts."  I pointed my finger at her and said, "WOMAN, I hereby divorce thee!"


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## rjcruiser (Jun 30, 2017)

Y'all watch any of John Crist's videos?  They're pretty funny as well.  Check out his Millenial Missionary.


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## centerpin fan (Jul 6, 2017)

It's been slow in here, so I thought I'd post a personal favorite:

Study: AC/DC’s ‘Highway To ****’ More Theologically Accurate Than 96% Of Modern Worship Songs

http://babylonbee.com/news/study-hi...eologically-accurate-96-modern-worship-songs/


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## centerpin fan (Jul 24, 2017)

Discovery Channel To Feature Deadly Prosperity Gospel Preachers For Shark Week

SILVER SPRING, MD—As part of its annual Shark Week programming, the Discovery Channel announced Sunday evening it would be featuring the world’s most dangerous prosperity gospel preachers in order to raise public awareness of the deadly predators.

The cable science channel will feature a wide array of prosperity preachers throughout the week, including Joel Osteen, Paula White, T.D. Jakes, Joyce Meyer, Joseph Prince, Kenneth Copeland, Creflo Dollar, and Benny Hinn, showcasing their inhuman ability to mangle the Scriptures and devour unsuspecting victims.

“This here is a prime example of the prosperity preacher in his natural habitat,” a commentator said over horrifying Benny Hinn footage in Sunday night’s Shark Week premiere. “See how the cold-blooded predator draws in its prey and then goes for the kill? Utterly horrifying.”

The documentary footage, collected over the past year, also shows moving footage of the millions of third-world believers still living in poverty after giving their life savings to the savage beasts.

“The prosperity gospel preacher in its native environment is one of nature’s most terrifying predators,” a Discovery Channel representative said. “We could just keep featuring sea-dwelling sharks year after year, but honestly they’re pretty boring compared to the ruthlessness of a Copeland or a Dollar ambushing an unsuspecting believer and tearing their bank account to shreds.”

“It sends shivers down my spine,” he added with a shudder.

According to the Discovery Channel, the footage will be preceded by a graphic content warning, as the cable channel states that watching Christians become ensnared by prosperity gospel preachers is not for the faint of heart.

http://babylonbee.com/news/discovery-channel-feature-deadly-prosperity-gospel-preachers-shark-week/


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## centerpin fan (Jul 31, 2017)

Just for hobbs:


Dispensationalists Frantically Adjust End-Times Charts To Include Brexit Vote

WORLD—As Great Britain voted in favor of a motion to leave the European Union, premillenial dispensationalists around the world held emergency meetings Friday morning, frantically adjusting their prophetic charts to include the completely unanticipated new development.

“We’re thinking of calling this one ‘The Brexit Dispensation,'” Tim LaHaye told reporters as he hastily altered his precise wall charts to account for the new information. “We had previously thought that Saddam Hussein would be the one to usher in the one-world government, but that’s looking less likely now, so we’re going to make some official adjustments.” LaHaye added that the European Union might not be ushering in an age of one-world government after all, unfortunately.

Meanwhile in California, prophecy expert Dr. David Jeremiah of Shadow Mountain Community Church reportedly made an emergency early-morning phone call to Texas pastor John Hagee. “John, have you seen the news? This isn’t in any of the tables!” he is said to have screamed into the phone. After calming Jeremiah down, Hagee reportedly consulted a series of lunar charts taped across his bedroom walls and surmised that the Brexit decision had actually been accurately predicted by Halley’s Comet in 1986, before proceeding to scribble some corrections on his favorite eschatological timeline in red marker.

“We totally missed it!” Hagee told reporters as he explained his new chart at a Friday afternoon press conference. “It just goes to show when you’re not extremely careful about building your theology around current events and astrological signs, even the experts can make a mistake.”

Hagee further stated that he would have an exhaustive new book covering these developments released within a few months, tentatively titled Brexit: Dispensation of Doom.

http://babylonbee.com/news/dispensationalists-frantically-adjust-charts-include-brexit-vote/


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## hobbs27 (Jul 31, 2017)

centerpin fan said:


> Just for hobbs:
> 
> 
> Dispensationalists Frantically Adjust End-Times Charts To Include Brexit Vote
> ...



 I shared that one on my FB page when it first came out. 

 I shared one that made fun of Joel Osteen and my nephews wife called the man everything but a child of God,  and gave the bee kudos. 

A couple of days later the bee did a story on Andy Stanley.  She didn't like that one,  had to explain to me that the BB was just satire... And wanted to make sure I knew she went to Browns Bridge.  .. I knew she did when I shared it. .


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## stringmusic (Aug 3, 2017)

rjcruiser said:


> Y'all watch any of John Crist's videos?  They're pretty funny as well.  Check out his Millenial Missionary.



I've watched all his stuff, he's hilarious.


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## centerpin fan (Aug 29, 2017)

*Too funny!*

Joel Osteen Sails Luxury Yacht Through Flooded Houston To Pass Out Copies Of ‘Your Best Life Now’

August 29, 2017 

HOUSTON, TX—Although Joel Osteen took flak over the weekend for closing up his church to flood victims and all but disappearing during the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, the megachurch pastor reportedly returned to the city on his luxury yacht “S.S. Blessed” to make amends Tuesday by tossing copies of Your Best Life Now to stranded flood survivors.

Osteen had his on-call yacht captain steer the large vessel through the flooded streets of the city, pulling up to survivors stranded on their roofs and on the roof of their cars as the prosperity gospel preacher smiled, waved, and threw out signed editions of the bestselling positive thinking book.

“Believe and declare you are coming into a shift!” Osteen yelled through a bullhorn, according to reports. “God wants His best for you! Enlarge your vision, develop a healthy self image, and choose to be happy!”

“When you think positive, excellent thoughts, you will be propelled toward greatness!” he called out to one family floating on a raft on a freeway-turned-river, whose earthly possessions had been entirely destroyed the previous day.

Osteen also paused for brief photo ops with several families, the smiling pastor briefly allowing them to board his yacht as his professional photography team got shots of the pastor together with the sobbing, distraught flood victims, though the pastor was careful to not stand too close to the mud-caked refugees. Sources confirmed that the pastor then had his assistants help the families back into their makeshift lifeboats or tree logs on which they were floating through the city.

http://babylonbee.com/news/joel-osteen-sails-luxury-yacht-flooded-houston-pass-copies-best-life-now/


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## hobbs27 (Aug 29, 2017)

Such a nice guy!


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## SemperFiDawg (Sep 14, 2017)

This describes about 70% of the people I work with.  
http://babylonbee.com/news/after-12...e-parents-shocked-by-daughters-lack-of-faith/


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## SemperFiDawg (Sep 14, 2017)

Know this one well also.  

http://babylonbee.com/news/pentecostal-teen-finally-receives-gift-faking-tongues/

Have you ever noticed how there are distinct categories of syntax for speaking in tongues and they differ between Pentecostals denominations?


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## hobbs27 (Sep 14, 2017)

SemperFiDawg said:


> Know this one well also.
> 
> http://babylonbee.com/news/pentecostal-teen-finally-receives-gift-faking-tongues/
> 
> Have you ever noticed how there are distinct categories of syntax for speaking in tongues and they differ between Pentecostals denominations?




98% of folks in here believe in the gifts of the spirit.  They aren't going to find this funny. :-(


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## SemperFiDawg (Sep 14, 2017)

hobbs27 said:


> 98% of folks in here believe in the gifts of the spirit.  They aren't going to find this funny. :-(




I believe in the gifts of the Spirit and found it quiet amusing.


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## Ronnie T (Sep 15, 2017)

Now I'm gonna be up all night reading.
Great humor.


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## Israel (Sep 15, 2017)

We are typing to one another...in a "made up language". We speak daily to one another in _made up languages_.

It's funny...that we would use a _made up language_ to presumptively assert and therefore take a stand that...when it comes to God...we will not be those found using something _made up._ As though it implies a superiority of motive.

We talk about things like faith _in Christ_, freedom_ in Christ_, liberty from being bound to earthy things_ in Christ._ We, it seems (and I perhaps as much, if not more) do this _a lot._ Using made up words to describe, define, (could it even be to capture?) the One we use a word like _ineffable_...to approach.

How funny...we are.

But we say..."this is useful...this is expedient, this...is_ agreed upon_ (of men)...this...our made up language"

And..."how can two walk together...unless they be agreed?"




Do we agree, that God knows us...better than we, ourselves?


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## centerpin fan (Sep 20, 2017)

*Another one for Hobbs ...*

18 Reasons The Rapture Will Be In 2018

September 19, 2017 


At some point, every believer has wondered if the Rapture is imminent. It’s only natural to ask if Jesus is coming back today, tomorrow, or in fifty years. Now, we know that Jesus told us we can’t know the day or the hour, but we’re pretty sure we are the exception—because we’ve been staring pretty hard at star charts, numbers, newspaper headlines, and yes, even our Bibles, and we’ve cracked the code.

Jesus will return by December 31, 2018. There are millions of pieces of evidence all throughout the Bible, but we’ve narrowed it down to just the top 18. You’ll be convinced—we guarantee it.

1.) He didn’t come back every other time some quack predicted it, so this time it must be true. Every time someone’s come along and claimed that Jesus would come back in 1988, 2000, or 2012, that person’s been wrong. So the law of averages would seem to suggest that we’ve gotta be right at least one time. Maybe this is the one!

2.) The final “TRUMP” has resounded. Donald Trump = fulfillment of biblical prophecy. Make prophecy great again!

3.) We’re not totally sure how Obama ties in, but rest assured it’s all his fault. Thanks, Obama!

4.) 2018 breaks down to the formula 2 x 0 – 1 + 8 = 7, the number of the Lord. Wow! This is powerful evidence that 2018 is the year the great tribulation will kick off.

5.) The sheeple are finally waking up to global conspiracies like chemtrails, the moon landing hoax, and the globe earth myth. The new world order is going to rise up to crush those who have discovered the truth that we’re living on a flat earth and we’re covered in nasty government chem trails. The tribulation will soon follow these upheavals! Stay strong, Christian soldiers!

6.) Something about Israel and a bear and a dragon. Israel is a nation again, and the Bible talks about bears and dragons and harlots and stuff. We’re not sure how that all connects, but you’d better look to the skies. It’s happening!

7.) The 2010 Karate Kid remake. Our top sources in the spiritual realm told us that judgment day was moved up a few centuries once Jaden Smith’s remake of the classic ’80s film hit theatres.

8.) Hal Lindsey got raptured last week, and the Bible says he will be taken roughly one year before everyone else. This fulfillment of biblical prophecy puts the start of the tribulation squarely in 2018. Hal Lindsey’s rapture was just the firstfruits of what is coming.

9.) Well, whaddya know. The laptop we’re typing this up on just hit 18% battery life. Coincidence? I think not. Make sure to pay attention to seemingly random numbers throughout your day, and you too can become a biblical numerology expert.

10.) Stranger Things hit in 2016. Stranger Things Season 2 hits in 2017. What does this leave for us in 2018? Nothing but fire and brimstone.

11.) Some guy on the internet told us so in a crazed YouTube video called WEEKLY PROPHECY UPDATE. What’s more reliable than reading prophetic texts with a grounded hermeneutic? Crazed YouTube videos, that’s what! If a guy who calls himself the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse says Jesus is coming back, who are we to question him?

12.) Tim Keller’s church recently pulled off this really weird ballet dance thing that made us kinda uncomfortable. We watched this video earlier this year, and we weren’t sure what we were seeing, but we’re gonna have to err on the side of caution and conclude it’s a pretty clear sign that the coming of the Lord is at hand.

13.) Climate change is making hurricanes and turning the frogs gay. Every time the average global temperature moves up a tick, the Lord is one step closer to whisking us all way to the sky. Not to mention all the hurricanes and gay frogs! Hurry up, Jesus!

14.) The voices in my head told me so. We’ve all been having these crazy dreams where a voice whispers, “Jesus is coming back in 2018” very clearly to us. The voice sounds a little bit like Christopher Walken. Preeeeeeetty sure that’s indisputable proof of a 2018 rapture date.

15.) We bought Chick-fil-A for lunch recently and the total was $20.18. Can you say “sign from God?” Because we sure can!

16.) 2018 backwards is 8102, which probably has something to do with Daniel or Revelation or something. Amazing!

17.) If you stay up for 48 hours straight, drink lots of coffee, and squint really hard at “2018” it kinda looks like Jesus. Try it. It really works! This is just more confirmation that our prophecy is going to come true!

18.) Because nobody will buy a prophecy book that says we simply can’t know when the End Times will kick off. We’re gonna level with you here: we simply can’t sell you a boring line like “Jesus is coming soon, but we’re not sure exactly when, so trust in Him for salvation and pursue holiness.” How many copies would that book sell? 3 or 4? But if we set a date, we’re sure to rake in the big book royalty dollars.

There you have it, crystal clear! Now get your affairs in order!

Note: Due to the volatile nature of biblical prophecy, The Babylon Bee reserves the right to retract our prediction after 12:00 a.m. on January 1, 2019, postpone the date by a couple years, and retain all credibility as a source of prophetic predictions. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

http://babylonbee.com/news/18-reasons-rapture-will-2018/


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## SemperFiDawg (Sep 20, 2017)

Key 70ad rebuff in 3. 2. 1.


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## centerpin fan (Sep 29, 2017)

Real life imitates the Babylon Bee:



> Jesus, Jesus, what is up with you? Where is the gentle Jesus, meek and mild, the one who said, “Let the children come to me”? What happened to Jesus, the one who said, “Consider the lilies”. Where did his compassion and love go?
> 
> He is meant to be a boundary crosser, and in the crossing over, reveals bigotry and oppression for what they are: human constructs that keep all of us from being whole....
> 
> If Jesus can change, if he can give up his bigotries and prejudices, if he can realize that he had made his life too small, and if, in this realization, he grew closer to others and closer to God, than so can we.



https://pjmedia.com/faith/2017/09/26/lesbian-bishop-calls-jesus-bigot/

https://www.facebook.com/YACUMC/posts/1445909482157812




> “He devotes entire sections of His sermons to ranting about archaic religious concepts like heck and the last judgment instead of just coming alongside the marginalized and affirming their sins,” Butler said. “Very little of what He did on earth I would describe as life-giving. Frankly, I do a better job of being Christlike than Christ Himself....”
> 
> “He had a few good things to say about loving our neighbors, but the bad outweighs the good in Jesus’ teachings, if we’re looking at things honestly here,” her essay continued. “He really needed to ask Himself, ‘What would Jesus do?’ more often, and then He’d have devoted a lot more of His time to social justice, like me.”



http://babylonbee.com/news/progressive-criticizes-jesus-not-christlike/


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## hobbs27 (Jan 31, 2018)

http://babylonbee.com/news/glory-john-hagees-face-miraculously-appears-super-blue-blood-moon/


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## hobbs27 (Mar 1, 2018)

http://babylonbee.com/news/calvinist-dog-corrects-owner-no-one-good-boy/


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