Outdated And Proud

Are you eclectic?

(Go ahead, I’ll give you a minute to look it up so that you can decide. How are we ever going to get you educated if I don’t toss challenges at you once in a while?)

OK, got it? Good. That’s what I thought. Me neither.

How about erudite? Awww, don’t even go back to the dictionary. I know you better than that.

Occasionally, my brainbox goes into cognitive overload; like when somebody describes me as such and such and I ain’t got a clue what they just called me.

Do I smile, wink, nod agreeably? Or take a swing?

Don’t get me wrong; neither eclectic nor erudite remotely fits into THAT equation. If either WAS ever said of me, it was certainly behind my back and beyond hearing range. Which, thanks to about a million shotgun blasts over the years is down to about 3 feet.

We can never see ourselves as others see us. Learned that early on from an old battle ax of an English teacher who always had a bun on her head. It’s dead on, so I guess she meant well. But I always wanted to take just one swing at that bun…

When it comes to worrying about others’ perceptions, I probably don’t sleep over about 14 hours a night. As compared to worrying about just what time that 12-pointer is going to cross the creek in the morning and never even being able to close my eyes until it’s time to get up.

An hour early.

It’s all, however, about the education process; my mental and personality profile filing system. As in, “Good guy; one to tie to.” Or, “He peed down the back of my leg and tried to convince me it was raining.”

Always good to know who’s which. Which led to a little introspection. If I ain’t this, then what is I? Or something like that.

Believe it or not, got my answer from—of all places—television!

You familiar with these talk shows featuring psychiatrists, psychologists and self-help gurus? Well, I ain’t; never watched one. Ain’t seen a network sitcom since they all went to tripe; got this new gadget called a “remote control” that skips right past them.

It tends to whirl its way up to The Western Channel before skidding to a halt. Them’s my shows; can’t wait for John Wayne to come out with a new one. And I don’t care if he IS still riding the same horse he was in 1935 and gunning down the same outlaws and injuns. 

In fact, one of his movies is where I discovered my inner identity!

They got these ratings, see, and a little info about the upcoming feature so that you won’t get your feelings hurt when some fool on a killing spree finds himself strung up on a sycamore or ingesting 13 of John’s six-gun rounds.

And he didn’t even have to reload! Amazing guy…

The description that caught my eye read thusly: Outdated Cultural Depiction.

Yep; that’s me.

Probably the biggest reason is that Updated Cultural Depiction makes me want to puke. Among other things. Fortunately, I’ve already read The Book—many times, KJV,  NIV and my personal favorite, NLT—so I recognize what’s happening, know the end of the story, and don’t fret a whit.

To demonstrate how Outdated I am as compared to the trendy Updated, I’m standing in my yard a couple of weeks ago kinda minding my own business.

Well, I was kinda minding the business of the pair of squirrels in my hand, too, but we’ll get to that.

Ever feel eyes on you? I did, and turned to discover I was indeed under surveillance.

Malignantly.

Part of Outdated is as follows: you ain’t learning nothing when you’re talking. So I clamped my jaws shut.

Updated, however? Back to the educational process.

“I love squirrels. That’s why I put feeders in my yard.”

Don’t say it, I admonish myself.

“You must not like squirrels.”

Can’t help it.

“You bet. Sprinkle them in Spice N’ Herbs seasoning, boil for 45 minutes, debone and back in the pot, add rice and in another 30 minutes…”

“Can I see them?” Kinda guttural, like a bulldog just before he latches on.

“Well, they just dropped out of the tree. I ain’t had time to skin ‘em yet, but they’re kindly leakin’ a little. Probably best if I hang on to ‘em and get about the business of supper.”

“Oh, MY! You’re going to EAT them???”

OK, so now I’m confused. Did I just invent squirrel eating? Do I need a patent or copyright? Should I knock off a couple more so as to share?

“Yeah, gimme about 10 minutes, come on over and I’ll show you the recipe and how to…”

Now, I’ve heard shrieks in some of them Outdated Cultural Depiction horror movies but I’m a’tellin’ you, this was the real thing.

I bet there ain’t a squirrel in over a mile didn’t dive direct for his hole. Furthermore, Outdated means I don’t want you to get no bad ideas: I was NOT hunting over a feeder! Squirrels don’t seem to read so good; or either they have a large disregard for No Trespassing signs. They even disdain the Beware Of Dog sign on the wooden fence, and clamber right across the top of it.

 Tramp really appreciated that on the occasions when he leaped and picked one off. He was Outdated, too, I guess. But one things’s for sure: I’ll never Update…