Hunting And Crossfit
As I begin to work on this blog, America is in a state of total chaos.
Kids are going to elementary classrooms each day dressed like they’re headed off to med school, city blocks are being burned by night for no apparent reason, and it seems like no one loves America anymore.
Up until today I thought things in this world couldn’t get any crazier.
While I’m thumbing through a newspaper, my eyes lock on an add for “Crossfit” at a local gym. The advertised monthly price was a modest $29.95, but the picture was what really threw me.
Men… and women… were dragging tires, slinging giant sledge hammers and doing a variety of other things that where I’m from we call… work.
Now, let me take a minute to say I have a pile of good friends who do the “Crossfit” thing, and I’d love to be in half the shape they are.
Heck, I’d just like to be able to tie my shoes without running out of breath.
Anyway… I’m sitting there looking at the add… totally confused as to the fact that people are paying a gym to let them do random work that’s not actually getting any work done.
Then it hits me.
Hunting season is right around the corner, why not start up a Hunting Crossfit class?
Now I know, at least a few of y’all health nuts are chomping at the bit to sign up already, but read on, it keeps getting better.
Let me start with the best part. It’s totally free, and I promise I will work you half to death in the deepest darkest woods you can find, without a single protein bar in sight.
For those interested I’ve compiled some sample exercises that I could incorporate into my crossfit program.
Exercise No. 1 Arrow Pulls and Sprints: Subjects will wait until I shoot a group of approximately five arrows and then race down range, pulling each one out of whatever it’s stuck in. My arrow groups aren’t the tightest in the world and often end up spread in a 50-yard diameter. After completing the rigorous job of collecting my arrows, participants will sprint back. Exercise will be repeated several times until I’m convinced I’m just as terrible of a shot as last season.
Exercise No. 2 Corn Bag Tote: Subjects will assist me with carrying roughly 1,000 pounds,.. that’s 20 bags… to various stand locations throughout the woods. Participants will carry two 50-lb. bags at a time through the woods, wading through creeks, weaving their way through briars, all the while trying to avoid rattlesnakes and water moccasins. Note, I do get a little lost from time to time, so you may have to carry those bags longer than expected.
Exercise No. 3 Uphill Deer Drag: This class will be by appointment only. At some point every season, I luck up and somehow, someway, finally kill a deer. The only problem is this usually happens around 500 yards from my pickup truck, but for you crossfitters that’s a good thing.
Participant will first drag my monster 4-point buck through a waste deep, gator and mosquito infested swamp. After completing this task, subjects will drag my deer for approximately 200 yards in the wrong direction. After realizing my mistake, subject will drag the deer in correct direction approximately 450 more yards to the truck. After making it to the road, participant will perform final task of loading deer, without assistance, into the bed of my pickup truck. After task is completed, participant will be rewarded with a high calorie, non keto, cheat meal which consists of a very greasy sausage biscuit, a bag of tater chips and a 20-oz. Mountain Dew from the local country store.
I know, I know, it’s too good to be true. Right?
At the end of the day as good as the idea sounds, I just don’t have the heart to put the local gym out of business. You have to admit though, I’m on to something with this idea.
With that said, I better wrap this story up, I’ve got a bunch of arrows to pick up in the backyard and a pile of corn to tote through the woods. And if I’m lucky… just maybe… I will get to do an uphill deer drag later this season.
You know, I guess Crossfit ain’t so crazy after all.