Animal-Rights Priorities: Save Crabs, Take Over Wienermobile

Daryl Kirby | August 1, 2005

Folks are getting blown up in London, our young men and women face bullets and bombs every day in Iraq and Afghanistan, and there is a report of crab abuse in California.

The horrors in this world must stop. Please send money and please write letters. Civil disobedience may be needed, and if so, your kids will be recruited and trained. They will be taught to vandalize property and demonstrate naked so theyʼll make the nightly news. Folks, it is that important. Crabs are being abused!

The animal-rights folks sure have their priorities straight.

With all the problems and crisis that need to be addressed in this world, hereʼs a headline on the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals website: “Urgent: Crabs Allegedly Tortured at California Market.”

PETA had to issue this urgent call-to-action because: “One customer reportedly witnessed children ʻmanhandling and abusingʼ a crab and saw another crab languishing in one of the tanks with a broken shell piercing his flesh.”

One PETA freak saw a crab tank… saw some kids poking at the crabs… time for an urgent action alert.

Imagine what that PETA freak would have done if she had seen those crabs hitting some boiling water laced with Old Bay! Probably would’ve caused a naked parade of super models wearing lettuce leaves. (My Ingles is already out of live crabs, donʼt bother.)

PETA is the animal-rights group you always see in the news protesting to save chickens and other edible animals, usually with scantily clad young ladies or a guy in a weenie costume — although they are also represented by weenie guys in man costumes.

PETA recently received a far different kind of publicity — really, really bad publicity that even the liberal, PETA-loving media couldn’t ignore. Last month the group was in the news for killing dogs and cats they picked up at a North Carolina animal shelter. According to reports, PETA said they would get the pets to good homes, instead they killed the dogs and cats in a PETA van and tossed the carcasses in a dumpster.

PETA, the do-gooder for animals adored by television news producers and promoted by celebrities like Paul McCartney and Pamela Anderson, has its priorities straight, donʼt you think? Kill dogs and cats, but call in the troops to protest a local seafood market. Who knows, that market could be owned by a family who has struggled to build a business and make something of themselves and for their kids. Now, will their windows get spray painted? Will their locks get super-glued? Will rocks be thrown through the store windows? They may show up for work soon and find the crab tank empty, the crabs liberated.

PETAʼs own website designed just for kids asks this of your children:

“Does the task of saving billions of animalsʼ lives seem a little overwhelming to you? Itʼs simple. We just need you to rock the world, make a stink, change minds, and change the world.”

Next up for PETA? Well, itʼs not fighting hunger in Africa.

PETA is asking for its supporters and members to dedicate their energy to a far more important matter. In the name of pigs everywhere and to make sure not another hotdog is ever eaten, PETA wants to take over the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

PETA says, “Oscar Mayer, one of the largest sellers of pig flesh in the world, is holding a contest that we want you to enter! Has PETA formed an unholy alliance with a major purveyor of dead, tortured animals? Not at all. Oscar Mayer is letting 20 people use the Wienermobile (a giant hot dog-shaped bus) for one day. We want you to win this contest and then work with us to put the Wienermobile to good use, PETA-style! With a bus this big, thereʼs no shortage of colorful ways that we can use the Wienermobile to tell everyone how bad eating meat is for people and animals.”

If PETA succeeds and hijacks the Wienermobile, there could be an uprising of hotdog eaters the likes of which this country has never seen.

Or not. Luckily, most folks in this country have their priorities straight.

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